Another movienight, this time with my sister and her daughter Jenni (11). We went to see the new Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn. I know, I know, I've always bashed the Twilight story, and I still think it really sucks, but I have read all the books and seen the 3 previous movies, so I thought that I might as well see this one too. And the movies are not as bad as the books (which are horrible!).
I didn't expect aaaanything from the movie. I was just worried I would burst out laughing at the wrong parts. =P But it was okay. The actors are mostly good, some of them great. And I have to admit that I think Robert Pattinson has learnt how to act, or at least how to act Edward. I think he was great, O.o!
But he was still a nerve wrecking angsty fairy. I refuse to call those things vampires. X3 And oh how I hated Bella. But seeing her suffer in the movie wasn't that nice. It's a pretty lovestory and there were some really funny parts too. I laughed like crazy at the part where the happy couple are on their honeymoon and Bella is trying to seduce Edward to have sex with her. She spreads herself in tiny lingerie on the bed... and Edward, in agony, covers her with a sheet.
... we do that with my viking almost every time he visits me, haha! XD
The great thing about the movie was, that the characters seemed to have grown a sense of humour, you get to laugh quite a lot. That didn't happen in the books. And all those stupid things that the author did, have somehow been... minimized in the movie. There were blaaah scenes, but they weren't as bad.
I don't know about the last movie though, because that part of the book was just a big "oh-we'll-be-forever-happy-and-having-sex" Bella & Edward thingie with some fighting and unrealistic turns of events. But we'll see, maybe they'll somehow rescue the last movie like they did this one.
Enough of Twilight. My viking is coming home... well, my place, tomorrow! Yayyy! ♥ He's so antisocial that I don't know if he'll come spend new years with me, but as long as I see him before that, it doesn't really matter. ^__^ And lets face it: I have so many problems of my own, that if he has this one fault: that he's antisocial, I really can't blame him for it. As long as he wants to be with me, I'm happy. ^_^
(and Ktiraam has met him, she can prove he really exists. XD)
And I went to see my doctor and psychiatrist today. In the morning. First I slept too late, woke up 10 to 9, when my appointment was at 9, pulled on my clothes and ran to the health center. I was only 5 minutes late. ^^;
We discussed about my medication and the doctor decided to raise the dose by 150 mg/day. Gaaaah! I hope this doesn't make me all weepy and depressed again, because I am so sick and tired of that! I want something happy. I hope I get more happy from the meds. ^_^
And then the doctor diagnosed me, finally: I have an anxiety disorder. Not a surprise, I've thought so for years, but this is the first time I get a proper diagnosis of it. And they are considering getting me into therapy. Finally! I've known about the anxiety disorder for a long time, but I didn't know that it all started at the troubles of my youth, the problems at home, stepdad... that stuff. I learnt to be so wired up for danger, that I am still getting those anxiety attacks because of that. It's amazing how clear it is, it all leads there, to my youth. People learn some basic life lessons then, learn how to cope, how to handle themselves and how to act in certain situations. And I had to be always, always ready to flee, to run, to get away, to cover, that when anything even slightly similar happens now (even a hard word can tricker it), I get an anxiety attack.
The good thing is, therapy should help that.
So... now I wait.
Showing posts with label psychiatrist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychiatrist. Show all posts
Dec 29, 2011
Oct 31, 2011
Season of change
It was decision time, because I've been feeling like shit for the last few weeks. I've been taught to search for the reasons that make me feel bad and to solve them.
I did so with my viking (and told him about the things that were bothering me) and I think we're okay now. Better than okay. ♥ I visited him last weekend and saw his place, slept on the floor, cuddled him on his two old tv-chairs, showered in his shower, ate his food; all things I've never done before. ^___^ ♥
And today I quit my course.
It's still unfinished, I have to talk to the leader of the course. And I have to arrange another meeting with my psychiatrist, because I really need it! But I told my "supervisors" at Lyhty (unemployment office branch for the depressed and long-unemployed and so on) that I was not going to go to the course anymore, and got an appointment there in two weeks time. They were so supportive I instantly feel better!
I've been crying all day (again!) but relief is slowly taking over. I didn't know how much stress and horrible feelings the course was making me feel. It ate all my energy. I just started to realize it last week, when I couldn't stop crying. The leader said then that I need intense therapy. But the course was not it, it was too much. I cannot handle acting with the other people there and... it was just making me feel worse.
But now it's over. Onward to new adventures I go. Tomorrow I'm gonna go look around, I want to order a new dancing-mat, the old one doesn't work with this new computer of mine. ^_^ And I am going to the gym, either today or tomorrow. I am definitely going to take a long walk with mom this afternoon, need to vent, harr! ^___^/
I did so with my viking (and told him about the things that were bothering me) and I think we're okay now. Better than okay. ♥ I visited him last weekend and saw his place, slept on the floor, cuddled him on his two old tv-chairs, showered in his shower, ate his food; all things I've never done before. ^___^ ♥
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| ♥ Guess what inspired me to do this? ;D |
It's still unfinished, I have to talk to the leader of the course. And I have to arrange another meeting with my psychiatrist, because I really need it! But I told my "supervisors" at Lyhty (unemployment office branch for the depressed and long-unemployed and so on) that I was not going to go to the course anymore, and got an appointment there in two weeks time. They were so supportive I instantly feel better!
I've been crying all day (again!) but relief is slowly taking over. I didn't know how much stress and horrible feelings the course was making me feel. It ate all my energy. I just started to realize it last week, when I couldn't stop crying. The leader said then that I need intense therapy. But the course was not it, it was too much. I cannot handle acting with the other people there and... it was just making me feel worse.
But now it's over. Onward to new adventures I go. Tomorrow I'm gonna go look around, I want to order a new dancing-mat, the old one doesn't work with this new computer of mine. ^_^ And I am going to the gym, either today or tomorrow. I am definitely going to take a long walk with mom this afternoon, need to vent, harr! ^___^/
Oct 26, 2011
Hmm
I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since The Break-Up. Or divorce, as I like to call it now, though we weren't married. We had been living together for 10 years, I think that gives me a permission to call it a divorce. Almost five years of the time when everything started to fall apart, when my life changed so completely that I cannot see myself as the same person anymore...
I saw my psychiatrist today and got to think about the past. And we've been talking about these things at the course too. The Not So Easy To Deal With-things. And I feel like I've come a long way. I don't know if I feel much better, probably not, maybe even a little worse. The medication change made me realize how vulnerable I still am, how easily everything falls apart. But at least now, when things get rough or really really hard, I can get up afterwards and move forward. It no longer stops... everything.
I've realized that I am definitely not ready to go "to the real world", I wouldn't be able to work or handle the stress that comes with it. I cannot take negative feedback at all without falling apart. I know I need help, I know I have a lot of package that I have go though, sort out in my life, before I will be well again, but I KNOW. That's the big difference. I am no longer in the dark, wondering why I am so broken. I know why, I just need to get well, get over them... no, not over them, I don't think I will ever be able to do just that, but to learn how to handle things. How to handle situations that break me.
This has been a good day. Yesterday was a good day too. Two in a row. Gives me hope. ^_^ ♥
And I've been painting! Loads and loads! Three new paintings in a week, I haven't been that productive in months, if not years! And I returned to my first love: realistic painting! Aaah, I so love to paint realistically, but for some reason I haven't dared to do that in a long time. I thought I couldn't anymore. I am proving myself wrong, teehee. ^_^
I saw my psychiatrist today and got to think about the past. And we've been talking about these things at the course too. The Not So Easy To Deal With-things. And I feel like I've come a long way. I don't know if I feel much better, probably not, maybe even a little worse. The medication change made me realize how vulnerable I still am, how easily everything falls apart. But at least now, when things get rough or really really hard, I can get up afterwards and move forward. It no longer stops... everything.
I've realized that I am definitely not ready to go "to the real world", I wouldn't be able to work or handle the stress that comes with it. I cannot take negative feedback at all without falling apart. I know I need help, I know I have a lot of package that I have go though, sort out in my life, before I will be well again, but I KNOW. That's the big difference. I am no longer in the dark, wondering why I am so broken. I know why, I just need to get well, get over them... no, not over them, I don't think I will ever be able to do just that, but to learn how to handle things. How to handle situations that break me.
This has been a good day. Yesterday was a good day too. Two in a row. Gives me hope. ^_^ ♥
And I've been painting! Loads and loads! Three new paintings in a week, I haven't been that productive in months, if not years! And I returned to my first love: realistic painting! Aaah, I so love to paint realistically, but for some reason I haven't dared to do that in a long time. I thought I couldn't anymore. I am proving myself wrong, teehee. ^_^
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| This is the first one I've made. 9 more to come. Does anyone recognize her? Hint: She's my favourite actress and probably the most beautiful woman in the world. ;D (Yes, I've used a reference picture, heavily. The whole point of this picture was to make her look exactly the same as in the pic... ^_^ |
Jul 7, 2011
Selfishness?
I went to see a new psychiatrist on Monday and we drew a map of "my life" together with her, discussing all the sides of my life, what makes me happy, what gives me stress and so on...
and I finally realized why I avoid people these days, why I don't like to contact anyone and don't really want to meet my friends much. I go as far as turn around and walk the other way, if I see a friend somewhere outside, when I'm out alone.
I can't be myself with my friends.
It's not anyone else's fault but mine. It's extremely difficult to tell about my problems to other people and show them how vulnerable and in a bad shape I often am. So I keep on smiling and listen to others and avoid talking about myself. If someone asks about me, I just smile and tell them that everything's fine, though it's everything but...
This sounds like my life is shit, which it isn't. I love life, but it isn't easy and I struggle with depression every day. I have constant (and sometimes unreasonable) fears and every little thing I do feels like a struggle. I don't get the same pleasure from things that I used to love. My memory is horrible, I keep forgetting even the most important things. I don't have the energy or the enthusiasm to listen to people talk about their own lives because I can't even control mine. This is why I don't see anyone anymore. I'm lousy company. I don't want to listen, I get angry, I want to talk back, disagree, turn around, walk away...
I've always been a good listener. And I've liked listening to people and give them advice, and talk civil even when we've disagreed. But I can't do that anymore. Nowadays when someone pours their heart at me, all I feel is rage. When someone disagrees, I have to say something back. I never used to do that. I could talk calmly and give up. No more, I rather fight than give up now. And I get so angry when people talk about their problems but when I try to talk about mine, even the little things, they are not ready to listen to my worries and problems.
And not many people understand what this depression and anxiety disorder really means: it doesn't go away in a day or two, it doesn't get better when someone simply says "cheer up". It's a constant pain in my heart that I have to fight. I can be happy, but it's a struggle to be so, when I'm alone, I don't smile. I keep myself busy so I don't get sucked into it. And it doesn't just "go away", it has been here for almost 3 years. I struggle with basic things in life, cleaning my house, going out to buy groceries... Everything else is even harder. I sleep more than 12 hours a day, sometimes 14. I eat medication, my blood pressure is too high, I can't concentrate on basic things.
And I feel quilty for talking about these thing, because it seems that I'm complaining and that's not allowed to me. I become boring when I'm not the cheery, happy, smiling person that everyone usually sees me as. But sometimes I need to tell about the difficulties in my life too, not just be the one who everyone else tells their sorrows to.
Thank goodness for those few people who understand. ♥ ...Or not even understand, they don't have to understand. They listen. They take me as I am and when I have a bad day and tell that to them, they don't say anything, they just are by my side, silently offering comfort, telling me that it's okay.
and I finally realized why I avoid people these days, why I don't like to contact anyone and don't really want to meet my friends much. I go as far as turn around and walk the other way, if I see a friend somewhere outside, when I'm out alone.
I can't be myself with my friends.
It's not anyone else's fault but mine. It's extremely difficult to tell about my problems to other people and show them how vulnerable and in a bad shape I often am. So I keep on smiling and listen to others and avoid talking about myself. If someone asks about me, I just smile and tell them that everything's fine, though it's everything but...
This sounds like my life is shit, which it isn't. I love life, but it isn't easy and I struggle with depression every day. I have constant (and sometimes unreasonable) fears and every little thing I do feels like a struggle. I don't get the same pleasure from things that I used to love. My memory is horrible, I keep forgetting even the most important things. I don't have the energy or the enthusiasm to listen to people talk about their own lives because I can't even control mine. This is why I don't see anyone anymore. I'm lousy company. I don't want to listen, I get angry, I want to talk back, disagree, turn around, walk away...
I've always been a good listener. And I've liked listening to people and give them advice, and talk civil even when we've disagreed. But I can't do that anymore. Nowadays when someone pours their heart at me, all I feel is rage. When someone disagrees, I have to say something back. I never used to do that. I could talk calmly and give up. No more, I rather fight than give up now. And I get so angry when people talk about their problems but when I try to talk about mine, even the little things, they are not ready to listen to my worries and problems.
And not many people understand what this depression and anxiety disorder really means: it doesn't go away in a day or two, it doesn't get better when someone simply says "cheer up". It's a constant pain in my heart that I have to fight. I can be happy, but it's a struggle to be so, when I'm alone, I don't smile. I keep myself busy so I don't get sucked into it. And it doesn't just "go away", it has been here for almost 3 years. I struggle with basic things in life, cleaning my house, going out to buy groceries... Everything else is even harder. I sleep more than 12 hours a day, sometimes 14. I eat medication, my blood pressure is too high, I can't concentrate on basic things.
And I feel quilty for talking about these thing, because it seems that I'm complaining and that's not allowed to me. I become boring when I'm not the cheery, happy, smiling person that everyone usually sees me as. But sometimes I need to tell about the difficulties in my life too, not just be the one who everyone else tells their sorrows to.
Thank goodness for those few people who understand. ♥ ...Or not even understand, they don't have to understand. They listen. They take me as I am and when I have a bad day and tell that to them, they don't say anything, they just are by my side, silently offering comfort, telling me that it's okay.
May 25, 2011
Almost summer
Two days and I get my graduation papers out from school and never have to return there.
Two days from then I am going on a cruise with my mom, Helsinki-Stockholm, I cannot wait. We have reserved the buffet dinners both ways and breakfast too. And I get to go to the huge bookstore Science-fiction bokhandeln in Stockholm.
Two days from the trip I have my graduation party with my family. We just reserved the caked from a bakery and dad is buying all the drinks. It's gonna be fun.
And life is rather busy again. =) Tomorrow I get to see my viking, today I met my new psychiatrist and she was really great and gave me a lot of advices for the summer and getting a job. I am hopeful and feeling positive. ^_^
I promised photos from our trip to the nature reserve area, so here are a few:
Two days from then I am going on a cruise with my mom, Helsinki-Stockholm, I cannot wait. We have reserved the buffet dinners both ways and breakfast too. And I get to go to the huge bookstore Science-fiction bokhandeln in Stockholm.
Two days from the trip I have my graduation party with my family. We just reserved the caked from a bakery and dad is buying all the drinks. It's gonna be fun.
And life is rather busy again. =) Tomorrow I get to see my viking, today I met my new psychiatrist and she was really great and gave me a lot of advices for the summer and getting a job. I am hopeful and feeling positive. ^_^
I promised photos from our trip to the nature reserve area, so here are a few:
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| The Erakkomurju Lean-to (laavu) from the inside) |
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| The view from the cliff where the lean-to and fireplace were. |
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| The sky from the fireplace. |
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| My brother and the view to the lake and the peer (and boat we arrived with). |
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| We made loimu-lohta/smoked salmon. YUM! |
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| The beautiful fire. ♥ |
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| This is where we left with the boat when we rowed across the lake to the cabin. Beautiful! |
May 13, 2011
Spring 5
I had another psychiatrist appointment yesterday, the last one with this person, it seems. I am transferring to another psychiatrist, who is specialized on depression and rehabilitating. I have an opportunity to get in some sort of class to help me get a job and rehabilitate myself for a shape that I can work. The psychiatrist also said that the perfect job for me right now would be something easy, 4-6 hours a day. That would be so nice! I just wish it was that easy to get a job, which is isn't.
Oh well, I have all summer time to try to find a job. Maybe I will, you never know. Sometimes miracles happen. ;D Then last night my Viking came to my place and we made sushi. It was the first time I made sushi for him and he really liked it, a lot. We watched the movie "Wilde" with Stephen Fry on the lead, we're both huuuge fans. ^_^
Today I haven't really done anything, just hung around at home. I got my period and my stomach has been really achy for the past 3 days. Waylan called me and asked me and Ktiraam for a movie night tomorrow, that's gonna be fun. ^_^ A girls night. And they have a sauna too, yayyy! Now I just have to watch out that I don't start eating unhealthily again, this last week has gone so well, I have to make it a little longer. =D
Oh well, I have all summer time to try to find a job. Maybe I will, you never know. Sometimes miracles happen. ;D Then last night my Viking came to my place and we made sushi. It was the first time I made sushi for him and he really liked it, a lot. We watched the movie "Wilde" with Stephen Fry on the lead, we're both huuuge fans. ^_^
Today I haven't really done anything, just hung around at home. I got my period and my stomach has been really achy for the past 3 days. Waylan called me and asked me and Ktiraam for a movie night tomorrow, that's gonna be fun. ^_^ A girls night. And they have a sauna too, yayyy! Now I just have to watch out that I don't start eating unhealthily again, this last week has gone so well, I have to make it a little longer. =D
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