Paranoid

Saturday niiiight. I spent over 3 hours at the gym today. After that I felt so tired that I slept for an hour... when I woke up I almost threw up. What the hell? I had a really fun time at the gym but I think it was too much. But it felt SO good!

Now I'm drinking wine and trying to relax. My neck is just so sore. I mean, it was even more achy before the gym, but it's beginning to drive me nuts.

But the paranoid part: It's part of the anxiety disorder.
I've talked with other people with the same disorder and it's not just me, everyone has it. These symptoms. All the time. These physical aches and pains that you can't really explain... but actually you can, easily, it's just the disorder.

It's simply that sometimes (often, if not always) you stress out so much that you can't relax your muscles and they really start to ache and cause all sort of problems. Which is why my neck is so bad right now.
And the whole left side of my upper body: arm, shoulder, chest, breast, back, neck, OWWW, everything just hurts so fucking much that I can't really do anything without it hurting. And I know that it's because of the disorder, it's my problem, but it doesn't make it easier... I know I shouldn't do this, but I very often go online and search the symptoms, I do this almost every day. And the worst things you fear for, you can find online. And then you browse and browse and eventually find a page describing the symptoms of Anxiety disorder and everything fits and falls into place... over and over again, and you start to cry.

... Yeah. Sigh.

My life would actually be pretty normal if I didn't have this problem. I waste so much time worrying about stuff that isn't even real, that I don't have energy to do stuff that would make me feel better. Sucks, right? ;_;

Feeling like a drug addict

So, I told about changing my medication earlier? It all started to well, and I was so happy that everything was going so easily.

And then it hit me like a hammer in the head. The withdrawal symptoms. I am gonna write a longer post about all this when I've gotten back to health again (when I can write again, this is so hard), but let's just say: I've been living in hell for the past 5 days. I cannot get out of bed, I can't watch TV without throwing up, I can't even read books cannot draw, cannot play games. I can't eat anything and especially I cannot walk!

The dizziness is horrible, the "electric shocks" inside the mind, the nauseating feeling every time I turn my head or try to focus on something. And the depression, there's no strength left in me, I burst out crying just because I am so tired, so so tired... It's fucking killing me. And the worst part is this: this could all have been avoided! I got wrong instructions from my doctor. But of course you trust your doctor...

If I could even sleep, but one of the worst symptoms are the nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night, heart hammering, frightened for my life, crying, horrified. The nightmares are so life-like it takes a moment to realize it stopped, that I'm awake. And imagine falling asleep again after that.

So here I am, staring ahead, lying in bed, not knowing when I get my life back, my strength back. I hope it will be soon, because this is horrible, absolutely completely horrible. And the longer it lasts, less likely it feels like I will ever be healthy again, the deeper I sink into the suffocating depression where you can do absolutely nothing...