Summer happiness

My summer vacation (3 weeks) started yesterday. I walked around at the beach after work and then sat at the grass and read a book for almost an hour, trotting back home at 8 pm. Today we spent the whole day at a beach at Vääksy with mom, sis and her two kids (10 & 12 year olds). We had a really fun day, a picnic, swimming, sun and photos. ^_^

Summer makes me happy. Especially when the weather is as nice as it is now. Bright, sunny and warm, I absolutely love it. It makes me feel like I shouldn't sleep at all so I wouldn't miss a moment of it, the summer is so brief here.

I've been feeling quite good lately. There are still moments when I miss... him like crazy, like last night when I remembered how he used to hug me before we went to sleep. But it's no more and that's it. I am going to try enjoy my single days as much as I can, concentrate on myself and my happiness and not someone else's. I was ready to give up so much for him that it's frightening. That way it was good that it never worked out. Now I can be completely myself again, I don't have to please anyone.
Oh gods I still miss him sometimes, so badly.
But now, looking back on things with this whole new point of views, from the "outside" of things, I am realizing that it would have never worked out. He wasn't the guy for me. For some reason, more than sad, this break-up makes me feel damn old! I don't know, maybe somewhere deep down inside I just wanted to settle down, have a family, the whole thing. And now, once again, I'm in point zero.

Oh well, you never (ever) know where life takes you! This year has been full of surprises. ^_^

The Helsinki Gay Pride parade was a week ago. ♥ It's always the high point of my summer and this day was no exception. It was my fifth Pride! =D I'll post photos from there soon. It was an absolutely incredibly wonderful day, so great that it still makes me smile when I think about it. And there were so many of my friends: Ktiraam, Anu, Elli, Elli2 (=P ♥), Essi and her new husband Niko, Anni who celebrated her birthday, Nora, shiroi & Tino... and lots more! ^___^

And work has been really good! I've gotten some really cool assignments, working on a website, adverts and photographing... just my things. It makes me happy. I've gotten to know more people at the workplace and made some friends, it seems I'm not as quiet and shy as I've always thought I was, when I'm in a place where I can really be myself.

In a weeks time me and Ktiraam are gonna go to Helsinki, to the Korkeasaari zoo, visit her sister and all the little comic/book/manga/fun stores that are waiting in Helsinki! And then there's Finncon 2012 in Tampere, KYAAH, I so wanna go there after seeing their timetable, sooo many cool things to look forward to.

I actually had a point when I started to write this, but now I've lost it. My mind is a little too full these day. It always feels like I should be doing something. I'm been ignoring so many things and people, I want to do so many things, but I don't really have the energy to do it all. I haven't drawn almost anything, two pictures during the whole summer!
But I've been reading, I've re-read all the Sookie Stackhouse novels and am now reading the new one that was published only about a month ago. I cannot wait for the last one! ... and I am starting to dislike the show so much, it has nothing left of the original story, absolutely nothing, it's just a mess! ... mess with hot vampires, but still a mess. XD

Anyways, before this text turns even longer, I better go to sleep, it's already 10.30 pm here, my sleepytime. =3 I'll post photos and a few drawings, when I get my mind to work enough to consentrate on anything more than a few minutes. ^^;
Oh yeah, I made this for work. ^_^ (it's my professional portfolio so it's made with my real name and stuff...)

♥

Heartbroken

So... I said goodbye my viking. =(

We broke up as friends. Until the last moment we were hugging. And as we said goodbye we kissed for the last time. I am so heartbroken, but it couldn't be.

I wanted so much more than he could offer. He never lied about it, we just never brought it up, we lived in the moment and just tried not to think about the future.

But in the end I couldn't live like that anymore. We had a long talk about everything. He didn't want commitment, I couldn't be without it. I think I loved him... no, I know I did... do. (Unfortunately love doesn't die when a relationship does.) He never realized it. He never felt that strongly. He liked me. But that can only lead so far.

It feels utterly horrible now, sad and lonely. But it's not the end of the world. I know I will get over this (again), but it's gonna take a lot of time, a lot of crying and a lot of sad moments. I know most of my anxiety has come from the fact that I've been expecting and fearing this moment for a long time. Ever since last summer I've been thinking about it, maybe even knowing that it's gonna happen... and fearing it so so much. So maybe it's courage and strength that I could finally let it go and say goodbye.

I have no idea what the future brings, but at least now I can go there with the knowledge that I am not with a person who doesn't love me.

Mood swings like woah!

On the weekend we had a really fun Halloween party at my friend Dino's. Here are a few photos taken from there. These are taken with my old camera because I still can't use the new camera's flash and it was too dark to take photos without a flash (finnish autumn, grr)

Skeleton dude. =3

A cool skeleton dude. XD

Our  Halloween feast table.

Teppo's eyes. XP

The bathroom.

The bathroom and Teppo. XD

Glow-in-the-dark skull!

Dino, keeping a contest about movie/series/cartoon villains. ^_^

Yuki ^___^

On Sunday I was really tired. I spent half the night reading the aaawesome "Lily Bard Mysteries" (Charlaine Harris) and woke up tired. At night I visited dad and stepmom and came home, feeling just as tired. And really sad, moody... I felt horrible. I went to sleep early because I had the course early Monday morning. But could not sleep.

I tossed, turned and cried. I sat up, stared into the darkness and finally switched my computer back on. I needed something to do. I had a few things on my mind that I had to talk with my Viking and once I got those out off my chest, I felt a lot better (and once again cried like a river). I went back to bed and fell asleep soon.

I woke up in the morning, feeling like total shit. So down I felt like the earth should swallow me up. I had to fight it so I wouldn't cry constantly. Everything felt hopeless and gloomy. It didn't help the issue that my period starts in a few days, PMS is a bitch! ... and that my medication is still not working full blast and I don't know if it even suits me, these mood swings are really making me doubt it.

I sent a note to the course leader that I was not coming and stayed in bed until midday, reading.

My viking was coming later that day and he told me that he was coming soon, he was just gonna play one (computer)game. It took two hours, he forgot the time. I was preparing sushi for us and the feeling just got worse. I was crying and wanted to go to sleep. Then he finally came. We talked about stuff, I cried some more... and we ate sushi.

We opened a bottle of wine and watched Deadwood (♥) and I started to feel better. I got to snuggle and hug and kiss and hold. That was what I had been missing. I had been hopeless and feeling alone because we had not seen each other in two weeks. I felt abandoned and needed assurance that he still cared for me.

We went to sleep way too late, but when I woke up this morning I was feeling about 500 % better than the last morning. I was giggling and smiling. I have new energy. And kind of a new hope, we had some important things we discussed through and it feels a lot better after I've voiced them out. There are still issues, but maybe slowly things will work out.

Today I'm gonna load a new audiobook to my iPod (American gods), stuff myself with warm clothes and take a long walk in the sunny autumn day! ^___^ In Friday we're going to the movies with the course, gonna see Johnny English. XD

... And one of these days I'm gonna visit my viking at his home. ^__^/

Nostalgic

Wine and Friday! Oh my this brings back memories! Ahahahahahahaaa! It's been a while since I did this, drink by myself on Friday night and share my thoughts here... well, on another blog, but whatever, same place, almost. =P

But back then I was single and much more confident. This has been a day of reflecting. My Viking wrote to his Facebook page that he's in a con that's only about 100 kilometers from here. And at the same time he's been telling to me for a month that he cannot afford to visit me during the summer. =(

Which kind of proves to me that he doesn't really want to see me as much as I want to see him. He sends his kisses and all, but I haven't seen him in over a month, and the last time I saw him in the middle June, it was for one night and he was gone again.

We've been together for more than a year and I still haven't met any of his friends, his parents or anyone... I haven't even seen his place for gods sake. We never go out, see other people, he doesn't want to meet my family... Fuck, this isn't good. I've known this for a long while, but today it hit me full force. I'ts very very very possible I will not be able to be with him. I cannot live like this, like a dirty little secret, in hiding, not seeing anyone... not even him.

I am fucking lonely!!! I cried all day today,  mostly because I was so angry. And if I think about this with my brains, I would not be with him anymore. But I freaking love him. I can't help it. And as much as I've always thought that love conquers all, it might not, not this time... not when our points of view about this relationship are so different. We're not jealous, neither of us, I really love that about him, but I want him more than he obviously wants me. I am ready to make a commitment to him and I don't think he's ready for that. And I don't know if I can be without one... This sucks so fucking badly!

But tonight I try to forget my sorrows and drink. Red wine, my favourite, tomorrow my head will hurt, but I don't care, it's the price of forgetting.

Oh and I've been drawing! Wanna see something new? Here's something:

Sajore, my vampire. Drawn with pencil.

Shaya, Sajore's sister, also a vampire, drawn with pencil.