How... argh, again

Sorry, this is gonna be a pretty negative entry. I have to get this out somewhere.

So, I had to change my meds 1,5 weeks ago. The new meds say that it takes 6 weeks for them to fully kick in, until then they can make you feel more anxious than normally.

So... for 1,5 weeks I've been more awake than in a long time. The meds keep me awake for 16 hours straight. I have to take them at 8 am or I won't be able to fall asleep at night. And I kinda felt good for the first week, better than with virtually no meds. But then the ANXIETY.

It's horrible, it's not normal. I don't feel this everlasting depression anymore, I feel really happy. And that's when it kicks in. One sentence, one word even, can set it off, and I'm crying, I feel like my life is ending. Nothing is ever gonna work. My life is horrible, I'm a failure. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to see anyone, but at the same time I feel so completely and utterly alone that it feels just so horrible.

"If you are depressed, you might sometimes get self-destructive or suicidal thoughts. 

These ideas can increase when you start taking antidepressant drug, 

it will take some time before these drugs work, usually two weeks but sometimes longer."

Oh gods... when it feels like this, I don't know how I can manage... anything. I just want to give up. There's nothing for me in this world. I feel completely useless, ugly and horrible.
And I KNOW this is not me! I know it's the meds, because I never feel like this, this is not how I am! But it doesn't help when you're drowning into this feeling of utter helplessness sadness.

Why the fuck can I never get anything happening to me so that things would actually go well?!!
I don't know if me and my viking will last. He's having some rough times too. And he says that he's feeling really numb, he doesn't know what's gonna happen. He might go to his hometown for the entire summer.
I'll be completely alone.
Yeah... this just sucks.

Everything.
4,5 weeks to go. With no guarantee that I'm gonna feel any better after that time.
And this was supposed to be a great summer. So far it's looking to be the worst ever. =(

'A'

I was in a friends birthday party last weekend. It was the first (ever) official gathering where we were as a couple with my viking in front of his friends. It was also the same party where we had met exactly two years ago! Our friend Masa's birthday party. ^_^ It was a fun night. The hosts had made all sorts of incredibly delicious food thingies and there was punch too. And my friends said and did some weird stuff that borne some hilarious moments. XD
Eda was so happy to see us dating (she was there when me and my viking met two years ago but had no idea we were together until we suddenly kissed in front of her) that she giggled and screamed a little. Hihi. *^_^*
And Umi came there, knowing that she would finally meet my Viking, so she sat at the table and with a loud voice asked "So, where's your viking?" (actually calling him "the Viking", ahaha) ... He was sitting right behind her and looked a little... funny. XD Umi was bright red when I pointed out that he was right there.

Ktiraam stopped by at the party too, but because she had to get up really early the next morning, she left early too. And in the end I got so tired that I came home at midnight, got a lift from a couple who were going home too. ^_^ I haven't been in such a big party in a long time, it was really fun. My Viking stayed there until the very end and went home to have a proper hangover. I didn't have that either, even when I did drink pretty much of that free punch. ^_^

Aaaaaaaand it's the international 'A' week.
I'm not gonna preach about religion here, because I think it's everyone's choice what they believe. I just wish everyone would study all sides of things and then decide, not just blindly believe something they were told to believe.
I lost my faith in any gods for over 14 years ago and during the last two years have become a skeptic on all pseudo sciences too. Life, nature and the world are wonderful and incredible without any need for a higher power. ^_^
...And that is why I made this for my facebook page:

With the wonderful quote of the physicist Lawrence M Krauss ♥

And without a quote ^_^

Sparkle Sparkle

Another movienight, this time with my sister and her daughter Jenni (11). We went to see the new Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn. I know, I know, I've always bashed the Twilight story, and I still think it really sucks, but I have read all the books and seen the 3 previous movies, so I thought that I might as well see this one too. And the movies are not as bad as the books (which are horrible!).

I didn't expect aaaanything from the movie. I was just worried I would burst out laughing at the wrong parts. =P But it was okay. The actors are mostly good, some of them great. And I have to admit that I think Robert Pattinson has learnt how to act, or at least how to act Edward. I think he was great, O.o!

But he was still a nerve wrecking angsty fairy. I refuse to call those things vampires. X3 And oh how I hated Bella. But seeing her suffer in the movie wasn't that nice. It's a pretty lovestory and there were some really funny parts too. I laughed like crazy at the part where the happy couple are on their honeymoon and Bella is trying to seduce Edward to have sex with her. She spreads herself in tiny lingerie on the bed... and Edward, in agony, covers her with a sheet.
... we do that with my viking almost every time he visits me, haha! XD

The great thing about the movie was, that the characters seemed to have grown a sense of humour, you get to laugh quite a lot. That didn't happen in the books. And all those stupid things that the author did, have somehow been... minimized in the movie. There were blaaah scenes, but they weren't as bad.
I don't know about the last movie though, because that part of the book was just a big "oh-we'll-be-forever-happy-and-having-sex" Bella & Edward thingie with some fighting and unrealistic turns of events. But we'll see, maybe they'll somehow rescue the last movie like they did this one.

Enough of Twilight. My viking is coming home... well, my place, tomorrow! Yayyy! ♥ He's so antisocial that I don't know if he'll come spend new years with me, but as long as I see him before that, it doesn't really matter. ^__^ And lets face it: I have so many problems of my own, that if he has this one fault: that he's antisocial, I really can't blame him for it. As long as he wants to be with me, I'm happy. ^_^
(and Ktiraam has met him, she can prove he really exists. XD)

And I went to see my doctor and psychiatrist today. In the morning. First I slept too late, woke up 10 to 9, when my appointment was at 9, pulled on my clothes and ran to the health center. I was only 5 minutes late. ^^;
We discussed about my medication and the doctor decided to raise the dose by 150 mg/day. Gaaaah! I hope this doesn't make me all weepy and depressed again, because I am so sick and tired of that! I want something happy. I hope I get more happy from the meds. ^_^

And then the doctor diagnosed me, finally: I have an anxiety disorder. Not a surprise, I've thought so for years, but this is the first time I get a proper diagnosis of it. And they are considering getting me into therapy. Finally! I've known about the anxiety disorder for a long time, but I didn't know that it all started at the troubles of my youth, the problems at home, stepdad... that stuff. I learnt to be so wired up for danger, that I am still getting those anxiety attacks because of that. It's amazing how clear it is, it all leads there, to my youth. People learn some basic life lessons then, learn how to cope, how to handle themselves and how to act in certain situations. And I had to be always, always ready to flee, to run, to get away, to cover, that when anything even slightly similar happens now (even a hard word can tricker it), I get an anxiety attack.
The good thing is, therapy should help that.
So... now I wait.

Season of change

It was decision time, because I've been feeling like shit for the last few weeks. I've been taught to search for the reasons that make me feel bad and to solve them.

I did so with my viking (and told him about the things that were bothering me) and I think we're okay now. Better than okay. ♥ I visited him last weekend and saw his place, slept on the floor, cuddled him on his two old tv-chairs, showered in his shower, ate his food; all things I've never done before. ^___^ ♥

♥
Guess what inspired me to do this? ;D

And today I quit my course.

It's still unfinished, I have to talk to the leader of the course. And I have to arrange another meeting with my psychiatrist, because I really need it! But I told my "supervisors" at Lyhty (unemployment office branch for the depressed and long-unemployed and so on) that I was not going to go to the course anymore, and got an appointment there in two weeks time. They were so supportive I instantly feel better!

I've been crying all day (again!) but relief is slowly taking over. I didn't know how much stress and horrible feelings the course was making me feel. It ate all my energy. I just started to realize it last week, when I couldn't stop crying. The leader said then that I need intense therapy. But the course was not it, it was too much. I cannot handle acting with the other people there and... it was just making me feel worse.

But now it's over. Onward to new adventures I go. Tomorrow I'm gonna go look around, I want to order a new dancing-mat, the old one doesn't work with this new computer of mine. ^_^ And I am going to the gym, either today or tomorrow. I am definitely going to take a long walk with mom this afternoon, need to vent, harr! ^___^/

Autumn fun!

(Wow this new look of blogger is confusing! ^^;)

Anyways, let's get to the point! :D My dear friend Ktiraam had her 30th birthday (!!!) this weekend and for the occasion, we had reserved a cruise to Stockholm! :D

A girls trip to a foreign country... okay, a neighbor we've already visited twice, this was our third trip to Stockholm together. ^_^ And we had funnn! And of course I took loads of photos too. Here are a few.

At Lahti railway station, we're about to go, yayyy! The adventure starts here.

We visited Stockmann in Helsinki to eat at a hamburger place "Carolls"
and saw these adorable goldfish (koi) in a  pool

I "heart" you. ;P This was at the harbor on our way to the Viking Line terminal. ^_^

And then we stepped into the ship. It's always such a great feeling to go there, even the smell of the ship makes me happy. And there were tons of people and the atmosphere was really happy. We had our cabin on the 5th floor, far from the ship's motors and the dance place so it was really calm too. ^_^

We went to eat soon after the ship left the harbor. I ate a shrimp sandwich...
like I always do there. :P Irish coffee with it. Yum yum yum!

Ktiraam is fighting with her long hair. XD It was really windy at the deck. ^_^

At night we went to the nightclub and bought drinks. With the drinks we got these light-wand
thingies and of course we had to do weird stuff with them. Here are a few pics of our "art" XDD

And then already morning it was and off to Stockholm we went! We roamed around the old town
and saw this tiny cute window, of course I had to take a photo of it. ^_^

And as our tradition is, we went to drink cups of Chococcino in Chocoladkoppe,
this cute little gay-cafe. We love that place! Our waitress was really nice to us so we
rewarded him with a drawing we drew while drinking our drinks. ^_^

Lucky us! We came to the Royal castle just in time of the changing of the
guards. It was great to see! Lots of handsome soldiers in uniforms with
guns in their hands. ^_^ 

It was raining all morning and there was a lot of water on the streets. So the
birds decided to take a bath. It was so much fun to watch them play in the water. ^_^

And then we went around the town taking photos. We had so much time that we ventured to roads
where we've never been before. And it stopped raining too, yayy!

This handsome guy greeted us in front of this gorgeous building,
which I still don't know what it is...? =P

A little house. A very little house. XD

There was a Mapplethorpe show in a museum on the way to the ship.
If we had had more time, I would
have dragged Ktiraam there. :D

Water on the deck. It was so brilliantly bright and pretty! ^_^

And of course, since I had my iPod with me, we had to check our mail and
facebooks during the night- they had a really good net connection at the
ships cafe. ^_^

Mooooonlight. It was so pretty! ^_^

So pretty that I took tons of photos. :P

When we came back to Finland, we went to eat breakfast to our favourite cafe (Cafe Esplanad) and I
ate this yuuuuuummmmmyyyy roast beef sandwich. ^_^

~ ^_^ ~ ^_^ ~ ^_^ ~

Summer 5

So I kind of got things settled with my Viking. ♥ When he came from the Con on Sunday, he called me and came to visit on their way back home. His friends who were on the same car, had to go wait in a pizzeria while my Viking was here... only for half an hour or so, but it was good to see him and know that he still cares enough to want to see me. ^__^ My gods it was good to hold, hug and kiss him again!

He's coming back in about a month. Only a month to go, two have already passed, I can handle this. Then it's fall and he'll be back. ^_^ This whole thing probably wouldn't have felt so horrible if I didn't have the depression and didn't think wayyyyy too much about everything, I got myself into such a panic. Not to mention this months PMS has been horribly strong! :O

I felt like crying the whole last week... and raging. And I've been so freaking tired I've slept 2-3 hours naps every day plus 9-10 hours a night. Yesterday I was up 9 hours and slept the rest. URGH! XD

Today was really really fun! We went to the harbor with mom and my sisters kids and ate ice-cream and chilled there. The kids are really fun to hang out with, they know how to cheer me up. Though at one point we were talking about how time flies and goes past way too fast. And I said to Jenni (11) that it just starts to go faster and faster the older you get, and so she said to me "Well yes, you're almost middle-aged."
I screamed and ran around and the kids seemed to have a lot of fun with my agony. XDDD

When I got home from the harbor, I was so tired again that I slept for 2 hours, again. =P Maybe this tiredness has something to do with my periods, which started today too. Woohoooooo. =P

Nostalgic

Wine and Friday! Oh my this brings back memories! Ahahahahahahaaa! It's been a while since I did this, drink by myself on Friday night and share my thoughts here... well, on another blog, but whatever, same place, almost. =P

But back then I was single and much more confident. This has been a day of reflecting. My Viking wrote to his Facebook page that he's in a con that's only about 100 kilometers from here. And at the same time he's been telling to me for a month that he cannot afford to visit me during the summer. =(

Which kind of proves to me that he doesn't really want to see me as much as I want to see him. He sends his kisses and all, but I haven't seen him in over a month, and the last time I saw him in the middle June, it was for one night and he was gone again.

We've been together for more than a year and I still haven't met any of his friends, his parents or anyone... I haven't even seen his place for gods sake. We never go out, see other people, he doesn't want to meet my family... Fuck, this isn't good. I've known this for a long while, but today it hit me full force. I'ts very very very possible I will not be able to be with him. I cannot live like this, like a dirty little secret, in hiding, not seeing anyone... not even him.

I am fucking lonely!!! I cried all day today,  mostly because I was so angry. And if I think about this with my brains, I would not be with him anymore. But I freaking love him. I can't help it. And as much as I've always thought that love conquers all, it might not, not this time... not when our points of view about this relationship are so different. We're not jealous, neither of us, I really love that about him, but I want him more than he obviously wants me. I am ready to make a commitment to him and I don't think he's ready for that. And I don't know if I can be without one... This sucks so fucking badly!

But tonight I try to forget my sorrows and drink. Red wine, my favourite, tomorrow my head will hurt, but I don't care, it's the price of forgetting.

Oh and I've been drawing! Wanna see something new? Here's something:

Sajore, my vampire. Drawn with pencil.

Shaya, Sajore's sister, also a vampire, drawn with pencil.

Official stuffs - week

This week has been reserved for taking care of official business. =P On monday I went to the unemployment office just as it was opening, but there was already a line of about 100 people in front of me and I would have had to wait at least for 3 hours before getting to see the official, so I left.

My viking came to see me, and we had a fun night. I made pizza and we watched Deadwood (season 3). In the morning he seemed a little down and then I had a sudden anxiety attack and started crying like crazy. He was seemingly worried but didn't know what to do, so when I had calmed down enough, he left to give me some rest... I would have preferred him staying but didn't know how to ask. -_-
After that I went to see my sisters kids and cheered up again.

Today I went to the unemployment office again and waited 30 minutes to see the official. She was very nice and seemed to be excited to get me a job... until I explained the whole thing about the depression and that I cannot work full-time. I got a appointment with a work-rehabilitation-personnel for next monday. I'm a little nervous, but glad too. And I have a psychiatrists meeting on Friday. Busybusy.

I also had to copy, print and send some papers to the social- and welfare office to finally get some money to live, pay the bills and the rent and food, since I am not looking for a job full-time, it seems I cannot get unemployment checks either. Arghs!

Yippiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!

This morning I woke up at 9 pm to a text message from mom: my name was in the newspaper at the "graduated" section. Now it's official, 7 years of college is finally over. Thank goodness!

This was a good morning in other ways too. I woke up next to my viking and woke him up by kissing and cuddling him. He always tries to stop me and shove me away playfully and I attack him and kiss him more and try to get my head somewhere close to his face or neck. It's a perfect way to wake up. ^_^

Mom bought me a new dress and some jewellery, pantihose and stuff for my graduation party with my family next week. I wanted a small party but our "little" family has grown so much in a few years that now there are 25 people coming to celebrate. Hahaha. Still, cannot wait to see all of them though I don't really want to be the center of attention, hiiih. ^___^

Spring 5

I had another psychiatrist appointment yesterday, the last one with this person, it seems. I am transferring to another psychiatrist, who is specialized on depression and rehabilitating. I have an opportunity to get in some sort of class to help me get a job and rehabilitate myself for a shape that I can work. The psychiatrist also said that the perfect job for me right now would be something easy, 4-6 hours a day. That would be so nice! I just wish it was that easy to get a job, which is isn't.

Oh well, I have all summer time to try to find a job. Maybe I will, you never know. Sometimes miracles happen. ;D Then last night my Viking came to my place and we made sushi. It was the first time I made sushi for him and he really liked it, a lot. We watched the movie "Wilde" with Stephen Fry on the lead, we're both huuuge fans. ^_^

Today I haven't really done anything, just hung around at home. I got my period and my stomach has been really achy for the past 3 days. Waylan called me and asked me and Ktiraam for a movie night tomorrow, that's gonna be fun. ^_^ A girls night. And they have a sauna too, yayyy! Now I just have to watch out that I don't start eating unhealthily again, this last week has gone so well, I have to make it a little longer. =D

Easter

The easter holidays have been great, but I'm a little happy it's back to normal life tomorrow. I miss the shops being open and the whole town is completely empty because everyone is somewhere for easter. Next weekend is Vappu, so it's not a long rest. Everyone's celebrating on Saturday and I've been invited to two parties already, but I don't really want to do anything special, just relax and if the weather is as nice as it has been now, be out a lot. A picnic on a Sunday would be perfect. =D

So my easter started on Thursday when my viking came back from a week long trip and spent the night here. We watched movies and ate well, the usual. It was really nice. He went home on Friday and I went to eat easter dinner with mom, stepdad, aunt, aunts husband, sister, her husband and their two kids (9 & 11). The food was good and company great. After that I spent the thole night at my mom's, where we drank red wine and talked politics. XD

On Saturday I was supposed to go to my dad's, but he called me and asked me to come on Sunday so I just relaxed the whole Saturday and at night went to a long walk around town. On Sunday it was time for eater dinner at my dad's, where my two stepsisters and their boyfriend & husband & baby were too. My stepmom had made an amazing dinner, yummmm! Unfortunately I had to leave really early because my viking was coming to visit me again. ♥ But I had time to play a little with the baby and carry her around the apartment.

And the night I spent with my viking, watching movies again. In the morning we woke up excited to watch the second episode of "Game of Thrones", we're both mad about the series, it's aaaawesome! =D When he went home, I went for a long walk, the weather is so warm you don't have to wear a jacket anymore, I absolutely love it! =D

Tomorrow I've promised myself to take all the bottles from my balcony to the store so I can clean the balcony, put chairs in there and maybe enjoy the warm weather there one of these nights. ^_^ I so LOVE spring!