I'm sorry, two posts in one day, this is bad. ^^;
I've just spent all day playing games, watching stupid tv-shows, reading books and eating good food. And after several hours of simple memory games on the computer, I can easily see that my brain just doesn't work the way it used to. I am so slow. The moves are not fast enough, I can't do things like I used to. And I've heard of from several doctors, psychiatrists and nurses that it's normal in depression, your memory doesn't work, you're slow, it's difficult to make decisions.
But sometimes it feels so damn frustrating, because that used to be my strong thing: my memory and the fact that I was so fast. I could do things fast and think things through really quickly. Not anymore. Sometimes my boyfriend seems almost offended that I don't remember stuff we already talked about. And I try to explain. My brain just doesn't work sometimes. But of course it sounds like an excuse and I can see from his face that he thinks that I just didn't listen to what he was saying before.
I do listen! And I want to learn, remember, know and decide. But sometimes it just doesn't work. =( It's horrible when you realize that I just cannot be the way I was before. They all say it all comes back when I get in a better shape, but my breakdown happened almost 3 years ago, and I haven't gotten any better. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, forgetting simple things, being unable to decide things for myself, being unable to do simple stuff, being anxious about everything.
UHH! Maybe this is just a bad day. Maybe I should have done something beside rest. It doesn't seem to do any good. Tomorrow I'm gonna take a long walk and just clear my mind. And if I don't remember... then I don't. That's just the way things are. The way I am.
Jun 26, 2011
Jun 25, 2011
Happy midsummer!
Sauna, bonfire, cider, sun, friends, movies...
We had a fun midsummer night with Ktiraam. We watched "Sucker Punch", which neither of us really liked, but the music in it was awesome! And we spent hours drawing and designing our new comic characters. FUNNN! =D |
| Vesijärvi-lake harbour, at the bonfire at sunset (9 pm) It was soooo crowded, all the people from Lahti must have been there because the city itself was completely empty the whole night. ^_^ |
Jun 23, 2011
Pirates, arrrrr
We went to see Pirates of the Carribbean: on Stranger Tides.
It was great. Like all the other movies. I especially loved Blackbeard, though he was the bad guy, I just love the actor (Ian McShane). ^_^ And the mermaids were so cooool, I want to draw some now, haha! And of course Jack Sparrow was his own lovable goofy self.
I've been feeling super inspired after Desucon, which is awesome. I'm getting my drawing drive back! Finally. It's been months since I've really felt like drawing anything big. And we've started planning a new comic book with Ktiraam, we're gonna try to get it on sale for next summer's Finncon in Tampere. ... I can only tell that our main characters are gonna be women! OMG! XD
Tomorrow is the midsummer night (Juhannus), which I'm gonna celebrate with ktiraam. We're gonna sauna and see the big bonfire at the Vesijärvi-lake and watch some movies, nothing big, but nice. I just hope it wont rain all night. ^_^
It was great. Like all the other movies. I especially loved Blackbeard, though he was the bad guy, I just love the actor (Ian McShane). ^_^ And the mermaids were so cooool, I want to draw some now, haha! And of course Jack Sparrow was his own lovable goofy self.
I've been feeling super inspired after Desucon, which is awesome. I'm getting my drawing drive back! Finally. It's been months since I've really felt like drawing anything big. And we've started planning a new comic book with Ktiraam, we're gonna try to get it on sale for next summer's Finncon in Tampere. ... I can only tell that our main characters are gonna be women! OMG! XD
Tomorrow is the midsummer night (Juhannus), which I'm gonna celebrate with ktiraam. We're gonna sauna and see the big bonfire at the Vesijärvi-lake and watch some movies, nothing big, but nice. I just hope it wont rain all night. ^_^
Jun 20, 2011
Desucon 2011
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| Lahti, Vesijärvi. |
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| Desucon artists alley, Saturday 18.6.2011. We had a table there. (Me, Ktiraam (in the pic), Myunfelia (in the pic), Dinotski, PenpenXD & Tuulia) |
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| My friend Serenity, cosplaying... someone ^^; |
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| My friend Pihlajatar, cosplaying Howard Link from D Grayman. |
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| The cutest kitty ever! ^_^ |
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| Conpeople at the big hall of Sibeliustalo. ^_^ |
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| My friend Avantra, who wants to eat your ssssou! ;D |
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| Hugggy! |
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| My friend Shuji, cosplaying someone whose name I don't remember. ^^; |
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| My friends Shiroi and Tino, being cute. ^___^ |
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| Tino and Shiroi again, this time as Pokemon trainers. ^^ |
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| My dear friend Ktiraam as Soundwave, a human!Decepticon. =D |
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| My friend Mika, one of the best crossplays I've seen! (fooled me completely, haha! XD) |
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| Birdie |
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| Awesome costume, don't know who the character is or from where. |
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| Disney princess Belle. ^_^ |
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| Tarzan! =D |
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| Adorable doggies ^___^ |
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| Kyuubi! |
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| Uh, cool Pokemon (?) |
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| My friend Soikku as Pokemon (?) |
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| The Doctor, from Dr Who! |
Awkward
Today at the marketplace
Missionary1: Hello
Me: ... hello
Missionary2: How are you?
Me: I'm fine, thank you *trying to walk on*
Missionary2: *steps in front of me* We would like to tell you about God.
Me: Ummmm...
Missionary2: We are Mormon missionaries, telling about the second coming of Jesus.
Me: uh...
Missionary2: Do you know about Mormons.
Me: Yes, I've heard of your faith.
Missionary2: Can we tell you more about God?
Me: It's- it's really not my thing. *awkward*
Missionary1: =/
Missionary2: =/
Missionary1: God?
Me: Yeah, I don't believe in god. =,)
Missionary1: =/ =/ =/
Missionary2: But God loves you!
Me: Well, that's a nice thought ^^;
Missionary2: With prayer you can find Him again.
Me: Uhhhh... I don't pray
Missionary1: =/
Missionary2: *Awkward laughter*
*Silence*
Me: I have to go but... have a nice day. ^^;
Missionary2: Ummm... but...
Missionary1: =/
UHHHH! XD And all I could think of was that they would make such a cute couple! XDDD
... Photos from the weekends Desucon coming soonly =P
Missionary1: Hello
Me: ... hello
Missionary2: How are you?
Me: I'm fine, thank you *trying to walk on*
Missionary2: *steps in front of me* We would like to tell you about God.
Me: Ummmm...
Missionary2: We are Mormon missionaries, telling about the second coming of Jesus.
Me: uh...
Missionary2: Do you know about Mormons.
Me: Yes, I've heard of your faith.
Missionary2: Can we tell you more about God?
Me: It's- it's really not my thing. *awkward*
Missionary1: =/
Missionary2: =/
Missionary1: God?
Me: Yeah, I don't believe in god. =,)
Missionary1: =/ =/ =/
Missionary2: But God loves you!
Me: Well, that's a nice thought ^^;
Missionary2: With prayer you can find Him again.
Me: Uhhhh... I don't pray
Missionary1: =/
Missionary2: *Awkward laughter*
*Silence*
Me: I have to go but... have a nice day. ^^;
Missionary2: Ummm... but...
Missionary1: =/
UHHHH! XD And all I could think of was that they would make such a cute couple! XDDD
... Photos from the weekends Desucon coming soonly =P
Jun 16, 2011
Chrome
I've absolutely loved Firefox for such a long time, that it wasn't an easy thing to admit that the new version completely and utterly sucked. =(
Every time I opened the browser, it froze and often crashed. Sometimes it took over 10 minutes to get the browser to work. It made everything slow and the pages always got stuck when you browsed longer ones. So it was time to say goodbye and move on. Since I dislike Explorer so much (full of errors!) and Opera doesn't make me feel at home, I decided to try Google Chrome. People said it was fast.
And it turns out, it is. Fast and opens quickly, flash works so much faster than on Firefox and even the look of it pleases me... after I tweaked it with tons of extensions, add-ons and a new theme. Here's how I gathered up my favourites and made a perfect browser (at least for my use):
1) This is my theme; Mountain dew. Because the normal Google Chrome theme is too boring for my taste. And I still like something that doesn't hurt the eyes and is not too dark so you don't have to squint. Or search for things, that's annoying. =P
2) add-ons I use
- AdBlock: a must, it removes ads from pages, perfect.
- E-mail check: it tells you if you have new mail with an icon on your browsers top panel, so you don't have to keep on checking yourself.
- Screen capture: for those pages that you want to safe, for pictures that are copy-protected and other important stuff.
- FB Photo Zoom: I recommend this for everyone on Facebook. You don't have to open a photo to see the large view, just put your mouse on top of the photo and you'll see it. Saves TONS of time. ^_^
That's it- a little geek moment from Zardra, haha.
And talking about geeks, here's a fun article about the issue. ;P
Every time I opened the browser, it froze and often crashed. Sometimes it took over 10 minutes to get the browser to work. It made everything slow and the pages always got stuck when you browsed longer ones. So it was time to say goodbye and move on. Since I dislike Explorer so much (full of errors!) and Opera doesn't make me feel at home, I decided to try Google Chrome. People said it was fast.
And it turns out, it is. Fast and opens quickly, flash works so much faster than on Firefox and even the look of it pleases me... after I tweaked it with tons of extensions, add-ons and a new theme. Here's how I gathered up my favourites and made a perfect browser (at least for my use):
1) This is my theme; Mountain dew. Because the normal Google Chrome theme is too boring for my taste. And I still like something that doesn't hurt the eyes and is not too dark so you don't have to squint. Or search for things, that's annoying. =P
2) add-ons I use
- AdBlock: a must, it removes ads from pages, perfect.
- E-mail check: it tells you if you have new mail with an icon on your browsers top panel, so you don't have to keep on checking yourself.
- Screen capture: for those pages that you want to safe, for pictures that are copy-protected and other important stuff.
- FB Photo Zoom: I recommend this for everyone on Facebook. You don't have to open a photo to see the large view, just put your mouse on top of the photo and you'll see it. Saves TONS of time. ^_^
That's it- a little geek moment from Zardra, haha.
And talking about geeks, here's a fun article about the issue. ;P
Jun 14, 2011
Summer 2
The month is already in half. Woah, time really flies.
I miss my viking, he's still visiting home. And next weekend is Desucon! YAYY!=D Me and my friends have a table at the artists alley, though I don't know if we'll really sell anything. Last year we didn't make that much profit. Also, we made illustrations for our friends, the sisters Cilla, Nita & Myy's panel about yaoi. I'll show my pic here when the con is over. I want it to be a surprise there. ^_^
Here are some photos from my graduation party from 2.6.2011, I finally got them from my brother. ^_^
I miss my viking, he's still visiting home. And next weekend is Desucon! YAYY!=D Me and my friends have a table at the artists alley, though I don't know if we'll really sell anything. Last year we didn't make that much profit. Also, we made illustrations for our friends, the sisters Cilla, Nita & Myy's panel about yaoi. I'll show my pic here when the con is over. I want it to be a surprise there. ^_^
Here are some photos from my graduation party from 2.6.2011, I finally got them from my brother. ^_^
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| Me, ready to greet the guests. ^_^ |
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| Drinkies. Yumyum! |
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| Foodies, yumyum! |
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| Showing my dress. I love it! :D |
Jun 12, 2011
Summer 1
It's been really really really hot here for a week. But today there was a thunder and rain and it got much cooler. Now it's so nice, I am sure this night will be great for sleep. I've been sleeping so badly because it's so hot I wake up multiple times during the night, being covered in sweat, thirsty and icky. =P
Now I just hope it won't constantly rain the next week. I have a lot to do. =) ... and after the rain: it smells so amazing! Flowers, grass, summer, rain, water, sunkissed skin. ♥
Now I just hope it won't constantly rain the next week. I have a lot to do. =) ... and after the rain: it smells so amazing! Flowers, grass, summer, rain, water, sunkissed skin. ♥
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| At the beach on Saturday 11.6.2011 Vääksy beach, Vesijärvi lake. It takes about 30 minutes to drive there from my hometown. |
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| The beach is next to a canal that leads to a bigger lake, Päijänne. The water is low for several hundred meters so it's a safe place for kids too. It was extremely crowded, but still so nice when we went there. |
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| There are these huge trees on the beach. And the sand area is wiiiide. It's the biggest beach around. In my hometown all the beaches are much smaller and though we have tons and tons of lakes, there are not that many beaches around. ^_^ |
Jun 11, 2011
Me bloody foot, arr
I've been walking like a madwoman this past week, and because it's been +30 °C, I've been wearing my summer sandals.
It seems my feet don't like them. The soles of my feet started aching a few days ago, but I just decided to ignore this. I haven't worn the sandals in a year so my feet just have to get used to them again. Then I noticed small blisters on the ball of the foot, in both feet. I only had one blister-bandage, so I used a normal one for the other. The normal bandage scraped the blister broken until the sole of the foot was bloody and raw, all the skin scraped off.
Now there's this area about 5 x 7 centimeters wide that has no skin and is bloodyred and raw and hurts like hell. Oh damn. XD
We were at the beach with my sisters kids today and had a great time, but I could only swim once, since the foot really hurt when the sand got to the open wound. ^^^; No more swimming or walking until I get it to a better shape. XDDD
It seems my feet don't like them. The soles of my feet started aching a few days ago, but I just decided to ignore this. I haven't worn the sandals in a year so my feet just have to get used to them again. Then I noticed small blisters on the ball of the foot, in both feet. I only had one blister-bandage, so I used a normal one for the other. The normal bandage scraped the blister broken until the sole of the foot was bloody and raw, all the skin scraped off.
Now there's this area about 5 x 7 centimeters wide that has no skin and is bloodyred and raw and hurts like hell. Oh damn. XD
We were at the beach with my sisters kids today and had a great time, but I could only swim once, since the foot really hurt when the sand got to the open wound. ^^^; No more swimming or walking until I get it to a better shape. XDDD
Jun 8, 2011
Official stuffs - week
This week has been reserved for taking care of official business. =P On monday I went to the unemployment office just as it was opening, but there was already a line of about 100 people in front of me and I would have had to wait at least for 3 hours before getting to see the official, so I left.
My viking came to see me, and we had a fun night. I made pizza and we watched Deadwood (season 3). In the morning he seemed a little down and then I had a sudden anxiety attack and started crying like crazy. He was seemingly worried but didn't know what to do, so when I had calmed down enough, he left to give me some rest... I would have preferred him staying but didn't know how to ask. -_-
After that I went to see my sisters kids and cheered up again.
Today I went to the unemployment office again and waited 30 minutes to see the official. She was very nice and seemed to be excited to get me a job... until I explained the whole thing about the depression and that I cannot work full-time. I got a appointment with a work-rehabilitation-personnel for next monday. I'm a little nervous, but glad too. And I have a psychiatrists meeting on Friday. Busybusy.
I also had to copy, print and send some papers to the social- and welfare office to finally get some money to live, pay the bills and the rent and food, since I am not looking for a job full-time, it seems I cannot get unemployment checks either. Arghs!
My viking came to see me, and we had a fun night. I made pizza and we watched Deadwood (season 3). In the morning he seemed a little down and then I had a sudden anxiety attack and started crying like crazy. He was seemingly worried but didn't know what to do, so when I had calmed down enough, he left to give me some rest... I would have preferred him staying but didn't know how to ask. -_-
After that I went to see my sisters kids and cheered up again.
Today I went to the unemployment office again and waited 30 minutes to see the official. She was very nice and seemed to be excited to get me a job... until I explained the whole thing about the depression and that I cannot work full-time. I got a appointment with a work-rehabilitation-personnel for next monday. I'm a little nervous, but glad too. And I have a psychiatrists meeting on Friday. Busybusy.
I also had to copy, print and send some papers to the social- and welfare office to finally get some money to live, pay the bills and the rent and food, since I am not looking for a job full-time, it seems I cannot get unemployment checks either. Arghs!
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