Another trip to the wildness

Firstly; I would like to send a BIG big big thank you for Nathie and Ktiraam for comments in one of the previous entries. You guys have no idea how much I appreciate those comments, they made me feel so much better.^___^ ♥

Then to the issue of this one: Another trip to the Evo Nature reserve area where we spent a night this week. My brothers family rents this wonderful cabin once a summer and they invite the rest of the family for a night to celebrate: sauna, swim & barbecue.

And because I have my new camera, I had to take loads of photos. And because the camera is my brothers old, he advised me a lot about the little things I didn't know I could do with it. Now I need to practice even more, YAY! =D Anyways; there are photos ^_^

The cabin itself. There are 12 sleeping places and 3 big rooms + kitchen inside the cabin.
No electricity, but for winter, there is a big fireplace. =)

And so we relaxed. =D

The sauna was heating up one hour after we had arrived. ^_^

And swimming was total bliss! ♥

After the sauna we moved to the fireplace area to eat.

My stepmom did my hair. It looked soooo wonderful. ^___^

Of course we had drinks with the food. ;D

And the food. YUMMMMM!

Little pyromaniac that I am, I had to take a photo of the fire.
Such beauty.

The fireplace place had a hole in the ceiling, for the smoke to go out,
and as it was so dark inside, it looked wonderful as the light came inside.

The yard of the cabin. Everything is big there, big and wide and wonderful ^_^

And the sunset was beauuutiful. This was taken at about 11.30 pm.
Finnish summer nights, gotta love them. ♥

DAY TWO

I started the day by running outside, running down the hill and throwing my clothes
to the peer and jumped to the lake. Brrrrr it was so cold but so refreshing and awesome!
That's the best way to start a day! :D

There were so many beautiful waterlily's growing in the water, it looked so decorated, haha! ^_^

Water flea. These guys glided at the shore, it was so pretty to watch. ^_^

There were loads of beautifuuul butterflies that were fluttering
about. This was one of the most beautiful ones. Isn't it pretty ^^

And this one wouldn't leave my feet alone. Every time I went to sit
to a table at the yard, it came and sat on my toes. XD
(Please ignore my badly cared for toenails ^^;)

Water lilies. Prettyness! ^___^

And here you can see the whole yard. The picture is built of 5 photos so the trees are a little
wonky and a few of them are cut in the middle, HAHA, photoshop fail. But it shows so
prettily how huge the yard is. Perfect for outdoor plays. =D

~ Until next time. ^_^

Summer 4

I promised random photos. =P It was 29 Celsius degrees here today so I didn't wonder far, just walked to the church park that's almost opposite my house. And there I met summer. ^_^

First a little older image. There was a hail storm here a few weeks
ago and I managed to capture this from my yard. ^_^

And then to the park. My neighbor the squirrel of church park. 

He was a funny little guy, quite fearless too, so I got some good photos. =)

Trying for a smaller target in a big place. A flower at the old
church cemetery.

And the cemetery itself, the church on the left. (it's an ugly
block of tiles, but the garden/park/cemetery is quite pretty)

The statue at the park/cemetery

A tired bird, probably exhausted from the heat.

Water fountain at the park: the maidens of Laune (Launeen neidot).

water, I think I was a little thirsty, or just wanted a swim.... still do, actually. ;D

More to come later. Probably something with a real theme next time, since there's the cabin trip coming again and much more fun! ^_^

July

I want to go to Helsinki. But I don't want to go alone. I want to visit Suomenlinna and just go around the town. That city makes me feel happy. ^_^ Oh well, it's a plan... that I want to fulfill. ;D

Next week we are going to Evo nature reserve area again, to a wonderful cabin next to a pretty lake with a sauna. We're gonna stay the night there and barbecue, sauna and swim, I cannot wait!

The next week, we're gonna visit the Korkeasaari zoo with my dad and all the "kids", meaning my sisters two kids (10 and 12) and my stepsisters daughter (6 months), my sisters are coming too. I am so excited, because I've been waiting for an opportunity to really get to photograph a lot, and here is my chance. YAY! ^_^

And my Viking told me that he might be coming home next week too. ♥

Happy things on their way. Tomorrow I'm planning on biking to the Vesijärvi lake and walking around there, taking photos. If I succeed on that, you will see the result here. Only thing on my way is a thunder that we are expecting to arrive here tomorrow. But if it's gonna pass, I'm gonna bike. ;D

Selfishness?

I went to see a new psychiatrist on Monday and we drew a map of "my life" together with her, discussing all the sides of my life, what makes me happy, what gives me stress and so on...

and I finally realized why I avoid people these days, why I don't like to contact anyone and don't really want to meet my friends much. I go as far as turn around and walk the other way, if I see a friend somewhere outside, when I'm out alone.

I can't be myself with my friends.

It's not anyone else's fault but mine. It's extremely difficult to tell about my problems to other people and show them how vulnerable and in a bad shape I often am. So I keep on smiling and listen to others and avoid talking about myself. If someone asks about me, I just smile and tell them that everything's fine, though it's everything but...

This sounds like my life is shit, which it isn't. I love life, but it isn't easy and I struggle with depression every day. I have constant (and sometimes unreasonable) fears and every little thing I do feels like a struggle. I don't get the same pleasure from things that I used to love. My memory is horrible, I keep forgetting even the most important things. I don't have the energy or the enthusiasm to listen to people talk about their own lives because I can't even control mine. This is why I don't see anyone anymore. I'm lousy company. I don't want to listen, I get angry, I want to talk back, disagree, turn around, walk away...

I've always been a good listener. And I've liked listening to people and give them advice, and talk civil even when we've disagreed. But I can't do that anymore. Nowadays when someone pours their heart at me, all I feel is rage. When someone disagrees, I have to say something back. I never used to do that. I could talk calmly and give up. No more, I rather fight than give up now. And I get so angry when people talk about their problems but when I try to talk about mine, even the little things, they are not ready to listen to my worries and problems.

And not many people understand what this depression and anxiety disorder really means: it doesn't go away in a day or two, it doesn't get better when someone simply says "cheer up". It's a constant pain in my heart that I have to fight. I can be happy, but it's a struggle to be so, when I'm alone, I don't smile. I keep myself busy so I don't get sucked into it. And it doesn't just "go away", it has been here for almost 3 years. I struggle with basic things in life, cleaning my house, going out to buy groceries... Everything else is even harder. I sleep more than 12 hours a day, sometimes 14. I eat medication, my blood pressure is too high, I can't concentrate on basic things.

And I feel quilty for talking about these thing, because it seems that I'm complaining and that's not allowed to me. I become boring when I'm not the cheery, happy, smiling person that everyone usually sees me as. But sometimes I need to tell about the difficulties in my life too, not just be the one who everyone else tells their sorrows to.

Thank goodness for those few people who understand. ♥ ...Or not even understand, they don't have to understand. They listen. They take me as I am and when I have a bad day and tell that to them, they don't say anything, they just are by my side, silently offering comfort, telling me that it's okay.

Helsinki Gay Pride

Last Saturday, 2.7.2011, was the long expected Helsinki Gay Pride parade. We went to Helsinki on the 9 am train with Ktiraam, Dino and Penpen, and when there, went to buy something to drink and eat and visited Fantasiapelit to buy some manga. Many people wished us a happy Pride, nobody could miss us going there since we were dressed so colourfully and carried so many rainbows with us. =D

We were early at the square (11 am), where the Parade would leave (1 pm), and started to paint with facepaint and decorate each other more. Dino's friend Envy finally found us. We got some lovely decorated rainbow hearts and balloons for free and I put my pink wings onto my back. It was already blazing hot so we drank a lot and put on huge amounts of sunscreen. (I don't know if I've told about this before, but I have a big big problem with sweating: because of the depression medication I take, so I was sweatting like in a sauna the whole time we were at the Pride. Yuhhhh!)

Painting Penpen's tattoo to suit the  Pride colours ;D

The tattoo is done. ^_^

Soon the boys; Jussi and Jari arrived too and we got to paint rainbows onto their faces too. And then the rest arrived: Shuji, Meablie, Nikomon, Cilla & Nita. So, we were ready. But the Parade still wouldn't leave in an hour, so we hung around, danced, took photos, chatted, chased different balloons, admired people and laughed together. It was really fun despite the heat. We were interviewed and taken photos of and everyone was having loads of fun.

The boys with their new paints. =D

Dada-dada-dada-dada-Batmaaaan!

A beautiful Pride Bride. ^__^

The Helsinki-Gay-Theater people. ^_^

Pride!

With loads and loads and loads of people! =D

Then it was 1 pm and the first of the Parade people started moving. We went behind a truck we were adviced to go to and then the long wait started. Fortunately they played really good music that was uplifting and entertaining. Our special favourite was a remix with someone saying the home-and-religion-secretary's name (Päivi Räsänen) in the song. (She is VERY anti-gay-rights and extremely religious and old fashioned. And is often saying really horrible things about people who are not either religious or straight.) Everyone burst out laughing and yelling and clapping.

PEOPLE!

And dancing. ^_^

And balloons.^_^

And Pride trucks! ^_^

And pink wings! ^_^

And Päivä Räsänen! XD

It all would have been wonderful, but we were really getting tired in the heat and sun, there was no shadow to go to and our water bottles were almost empty. After 30 more minutes of waiting that we would finally move, we decided to skip a little and go forward two trucks and march with people they were letting go now. And so we marched with the left-wing people. XD They had really fun slogans that we yelled with them and the mood went up again. The whole Parade was very political this year, because the  issue about gay rights, -marriage and -adoption has been up a lot during the year and the last election this winter.
(I could go on with this for quite a while because I've been interested of politics a lot lately, but this is not about that, so let's not.=P)

And the march is on. =D

Horse-police! =D

Mannerheimintie, the main street of Helsinki! =D

The route of the Parade was different from the previous years, possibly because we were marching through the biggest and widest streets of Helsinki to avoid any possible attacks. There was no way to hide from the huge amount of police at the wide streets and everything was peaceful and lovely. There were about 10-times more police than in the previous Parade, they were really taking the security seriously, which of course all of us appreciated.
(Last year there was an attack against the parade with smoke- and tear-gas and a lot of people got injured =(  ).

Nearing the park, and the mood goes UP! :D

Happiness (and me ^^).

We were laughing and singing and yelling and clapping and marching on until we turned to a completely different direction from usual and realized that this year the park-party would be in a different place. And when we realized the place was Kaisaniemi park, we all got really excited, it's a lovely park with a lot of trees and shades and a lot of space for everyone. =)

A beautiful girl with a great sign! =D

The Kaisaniemi park, yayyyy! =D

Finally we were there at the park and almost fell to the ground, under the trees. It was wonderful to sit at the shade after 3 hours of the blazing sunshine. All of us were out of water and that was our next assignment. But we soon discovered that although they had promised a water source, the well was locked and nobody could get it open. So we had to send a few of us to the store to buy water. Nikomon and Shuji volunteered and bought two 5 liter canisters which we all shared. ^_^

The stands were decorated wonderfully! ^_^

The Pride Stage! =D

Me and my new Pride flag! ^_^ 

And so we went browsing the stands. We found a lot of free pins, stickers, magazines and flyers, condoms, lubricants and so on, plus I bought a few pins and a huuuge Pride flag that I've been wanting for years already (Yay, I finally found it!). We were walking around when an online friend of mine was suddenly there. We chatted with her for a while, but I was so out of it because of the heat that I babbled really weird stuff. So we decided it was time to go back to the shade. XD
After that, time went really fast. We sat at the shade, ate, drank, talked, rested, chilled, laughed... until it was time to go again. We went to eat to McDonalds before going back home on a train and were home at 8 pm.

Gay Pride art at the Helsinki railway station. ^_^

And the other side. =D

A few days later we found out there were 15 000 people marching at the Gay Pride Parade, so no wonder we had to wait a while before we could march! WOW, last year there were 5000 people and at the first pride I took part in, 4 years ago, there were only 1400 people. This is awesome! A lot of people wanted to show that they want equality, same rights for everyone.

And as the theme of the year said: we were marching for love. 

♥