Towards future

It's been a week and things feel a little bit easier again. It doesn't hurt to breath anymore. Thinking doesn't make me cry, not always anyways. Work has been tough lately, it's so difficult to concentrate, but it's good to do something.

I am getting a new (90x200 cm) bed  on Wednesday (the old one was 160x210 cm and took wayyy too much space now that I don't need a double bed anymore =( ) and a new clothes cabinet. Me and mom went shopping last week. =) I've also been out a lot, exercising a lot... 16 hours last week. It's been so warm and sunny here, today was the first rainy day in a long long time.

I was also at my friends wedding last weekend. ♥ Two friends, Essi & Niko, married each other. ♥ It's tough to be in a wedding just after a break-up, but it was a wonderful day. The wedding couple looked so happy it made me smile too. And it was so good to see old friends, so many of them. Another friend, Anni, was the photographer at the wedding and took some wonderful friends photos of us all... all 30 of us, tiihihihii. ^_^ It really was a good day!

My "wedding look".

At the wedding.
Thank you Ktiraam for the photo. ^_^

There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to this summer. Desucon, Finncon, seeing friends, seeing family, maybe some trips out of town, and of course the highlight of the summer: Gay Pride ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ...

Though I still miss him like crazy and sometimes feel so utterly sad, summer is coming and life continues and there are things worth living for. And the wedding reminded me of the fact that I've always been a hopeless romantic, maybe one day I'll meet the man of my dreams who really belongs with me.
... You should never give your dreams up. ♥

Heartbroken

So... I said goodbye my viking. =(

We broke up as friends. Until the last moment we were hugging. And as we said goodbye we kissed for the last time. I am so heartbroken, but it couldn't be.

I wanted so much more than he could offer. He never lied about it, we just never brought it up, we lived in the moment and just tried not to think about the future.

But in the end I couldn't live like that anymore. We had a long talk about everything. He didn't want commitment, I couldn't be without it. I think I loved him... no, I know I did... do. (Unfortunately love doesn't die when a relationship does.) He never realized it. He never felt that strongly. He liked me. But that can only lead so far.

It feels utterly horrible now, sad and lonely. But it's not the end of the world. I know I will get over this (again), but it's gonna take a lot of time, a lot of crying and a lot of sad moments. I know most of my anxiety has come from the fact that I've been expecting and fearing this moment for a long time. Ever since last summer I've been thinking about it, maybe even knowing that it's gonna happen... and fearing it so so much. So maybe it's courage and strength that I could finally let it go and say goodbye.

I have no idea what the future brings, but at least now I can go there with the knowledge that I am not with a person who doesn't love me.

How... argh, again

Sorry, this is gonna be a pretty negative entry. I have to get this out somewhere.

So, I had to change my meds 1,5 weeks ago. The new meds say that it takes 6 weeks for them to fully kick in, until then they can make you feel more anxious than normally.

So... for 1,5 weeks I've been more awake than in a long time. The meds keep me awake for 16 hours straight. I have to take them at 8 am or I won't be able to fall asleep at night. And I kinda felt good for the first week, better than with virtually no meds. But then the ANXIETY.

It's horrible, it's not normal. I don't feel this everlasting depression anymore, I feel really happy. And that's when it kicks in. One sentence, one word even, can set it off, and I'm crying, I feel like my life is ending. Nothing is ever gonna work. My life is horrible, I'm a failure. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to see anyone, but at the same time I feel so completely and utterly alone that it feels just so horrible.

"If you are depressed, you might sometimes get self-destructive or suicidal thoughts. 

These ideas can increase when you start taking antidepressant drug, 

it will take some time before these drugs work, usually two weeks but sometimes longer."

Oh gods... when it feels like this, I don't know how I can manage... anything. I just want to give up. There's nothing for me in this world. I feel completely useless, ugly and horrible.
And I KNOW this is not me! I know it's the meds, because I never feel like this, this is not how I am! But it doesn't help when you're drowning into this feeling of utter helplessness sadness.

Why the fuck can I never get anything happening to me so that things would actually go well?!!
I don't know if me and my viking will last. He's having some rough times too. And he says that he's feeling really numb, he doesn't know what's gonna happen. He might go to his hometown for the entire summer.
I'll be completely alone.
Yeah... this just sucks.

Everything.
4,5 weeks to go. With no guarantee that I'm gonna feel any better after that time.
And this was supposed to be a great summer. So far it's looking to be the worst ever. =(

Thoughts

- Happy mothersday!
- I can't drink because of my new medication.
- But I can finally eat cheese! (gonna buy cheese tomorrow)
- My head it weirdly shaped, it's just too round and everything's in the middle. X3
- I love nature!
- I love sun.
- I'm hungry but too tired to cook. ^^;
- My feet are always cold.
- I wanna read but I can't because I'm afraid I'd fall asleep.
- I love to sit on the floor of my balcony when the sun shines there, it's so hot.
- I have my first therapy meeting tomorrow, eeeek!
- Facebook photos are so full of bugs it makes me craaaaaazy.
... that's all for now.

Taken from Luhtasuo bird-wathing tower... went there for mothersday
with mom, my brother and his stepdaughter. ^__^

Springy

The Olavi Lanu park at Lahti
Kariniemenhill. There are these
statues in the middle of the forest.
It's beauuutiful. ^_^

The hugging couple. <3

Me and the sad one.
(ugh, I'm so fashionless and blah in
this, please ignore me, I wasn't prepared
for photos. XD)

the "right trough the rock" one.

A little swamplake in the middle of the forest,
called Häränsilmä: Bullseye. =D

Aaaand flowers, got to photo some flowers. =P

And... err... a couch, in the middle of the
forest. XD

This is what the weather looked like a few days ago. Now it's grey and raining. But on Sunday it should be sunny again... gonna take more photos then, mothersday trip with mom and my brother. =D

Real life 2012

Suddenly my life seems like... well, normal. I go to work, I plan future events, I see friends and my boyfriend.

Well, there was the whole MESS with my meds, again. So I finally changed the medication, again (From Aurorix). My new medication is called Voxra and apparently it's also used as a weight loss medication... and for quitting smoking. And depression. WEIRD!

But if it works, bleeh. I might even lose weight. And quit smoking... wait, I don't smoke. LOL. XD At least this time it has not been hell to change the meds, so far. Then again, it's only been 2 days. So it can still change. Optimistic, aren't I. XP (I think I'm gonna write more about the meds later, there was a whole hassle about them but now I just don't wanna. XP)

My friends wedding is in a few weeks, so getting clothes, jewellery, shoes, rides and so on, has been a hassle. And expensive, I'm gonna be bankrupt after this month!
I also took a third day of work, a Tuesday, so now I have Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays  of work. We just agreed that I can stay at the workplace for at least until 6 of October. So I have no worries about that anymore. I started a new work thing too, from now on I'm gonna be a lobby watch every Tuesday.
And I was recruited to make a hand program to a theater group at the workplace... and to design a new blog to the workplace. YAYYYYYYYYYYYY! I am so excited! \^_^/

A little while ago I realized that this is the first spring after my childhood when I'm not completely burned out and stressed because of the pressure to find work and finish school assignment. WOAH! I love not studying, I can't believe I did that for 25 years! XDD

Oh and Vappu (1st May) was wooooonderful! We hung out with friends, ate a lot of donuts and went to see a movie. The Avengers. YUMMMMMMMMM! =D~

I've also been reading a LOT.
I just finished a series from KarenMarie Moening and loved it!
"Fever-series" it's called. I recommend it for
everyone who looks GOOD urban fantasy.
(With some really steaming chapters too ;D)
... ah yeah, this is fan art for the books. ^^

Up and down

Last week was awesome! I was feeling so good, every day. I walked for hours, on the weekend I went shopping with Ktiraam, cleaned my wardrobe and visited family and saw my viking. ♥ A week ago I had reduced my medication because of the restless legs (went from 450 mg to 150 mg in 2 weeks) and WOAH, it made me feel better (not just the restless legs, but everything)! What a huuuge surprise!

On monday I started to get a little tired. I asked for an extra day of work at my workplace, so now I have 3 days a week of work (4 hours/day).

... and then it hit me. Again.

When it's the good "season" you so easily forget that you are depressed. You just feel so good and so healthy that you think that now, I am getting better, this is so great! But then it always comes to an end so suddenly. =( Tuesday I woke up with sore muscles, stomach ache, upset stomach and a racing heart. I felt like I was gonna throw up and couldn't even move properly, it just made me feel sicker. I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack any moment, my chest was aching.
I saw my psychiatrist and she tried to calm me down. Yesterday I spent all day doing absolutely nothing! I sat in front of the TV, on the floor and tried to calm down, just concentrating on relaxing my muscles and breathing. I walked outside, slowly, trying to relax and think of nothing, I slept two naps, I was so so tired... today is better, but life's still shaky.

This is so hard. Every time I think I am getting better, this happens. And it stops everything. I can't do anything I want. I wasn't eating very healthily last week (too much sugar and fat) and I know some of that is at fault so I've been eating really healthy this week (dark rye bread, tea, vegetables and soups)... tomorrow we have a party at my brothers and I know they have all kinds of yummy foods and drinks and I also know that I can't enjoy any of them without feeling worse again. ;_;
But I am going to enjoy the company, it's just so difficult to try to explain to people why I act so weirdly sometimes, but it's really hard to act normal when your heart is beating too fast, your hands are shaking and your muscles are trembling and you feel like you can't breath. Sigh. And it makes me feel really sad when my family doesn't understand me.
And... when you've had depression for 4 years, people are tired of hearing about this, they don't want to hear about it. You can see from the look on their faces that they think that you are over exaggerating what you're feeling ("oh no, not that again"). It's so frustrating when all you want, is to just feel normal!

One day at a time. Little steps. Maybe I'll feel a little better tomorrow again.

Finally it's here

Spring! ♥

Went out with my camera. Took loads of photos. It was cloudy and a little gloomy, but the details... aaaaah, pretty pretty flowers. And all the little animals. Everything waking up and coming alive again. I looove spring! 

Bumblebeeeeee! ♥

Tiny pretty blue flowers.

Liverwort. ♥

Blue tit! ^_^

The gulls of Lahti. There are thousands of them!

The ice is finally melting. ♥

Crocus.

Weird red/pink flowerplantthingy.

Duckduckduckduck

Common goldeneye. ^__^

Memories and dreams

I visited Italy during the summer 2007. The year itself was the hardest of my life, which soiled the memories somewhat. But the yearning and dreaming of going back to Italy has stayed with me. I went to the trip with my ex and no matter how things ended with him, I will forever be grateful for him for taking me on this trip and booking every single day-trip that I wanted to go to. =)

I've only shown a few of these pictures online before this, which is kind of a shame, because I really like the pictures... so I decided to post this memory post.
I visited Italy, Cattolica (a small coast town in the east coast of Italy below Venice) on August 2007. I was in the town very little because I had booked every trip possible during the week. I visited Firenze (Florence) for a day, Venezia (Venice) for another day, the Frazassi caves for half a day trip and small vinyard in Toscana the other half and spend a night in a beautiful homestead in Toscana, eating a festious Italian meal. Yum.
What a trip! ^___^

The view from the balcony of the hotelroom at night. Ocean
and more ocean and warm, salty ocean wind. Ah!

The beach close to the hotel (you can just see the hotel at the
end of the beach). I only visited the beach when it was already
closed because it was way too hot and crowded for my taste in the
 middle of the day.

The Frazassi caves, HUGE caves with these stalagmites and
stalactites in caves that went on for miles and miles and miles.
... 42 miles, if I remember correctly.

The air was almost Nordicly cold in the caves, which I absolutely
loved. I also seem to have no claustrophobia, because I loved
those caves. ^__^ Then again, the caves were pretty big. The
biggest one is so big you could fit the St. Peters basilica in it.
It was HUGE!

Firenze, at the Piazza Della Signoria, Palazzo Vecchio with the
Michelangelo's David's (replica) statue and Bartolomeo's
Bandinelli statue. ♥

View from the Piazza Michelangelo on top of Firenze. The
view was just incredible! You can see the famous Pridge Ponte
Vecchio and the church Santa Maria Del Fiore.

Another picture from the Piazza Della Signoria,
one of the MANY statues on the square. The
cote where most of the statues were, is called
Loggia Dei Lanzi and this statue is Perseus
by Cellini. I completely fell in love with this
statue, so much so that I had to buy a small
replica of it to take home. ♥

Galileo's tomb in the Santa Croce church.  The
whole church was full of these incredibly beautiful
artistic tombs. Also Michelangelo and Dante are
buried in the church but I didn't get photos of
their tombs because taking photos was really difficult,
flashes were not allowed inside the church.

A close-up of the HUGE and magnificent church
Santa Maria Del Fiore, one of the most known
churches in the world.  If you are interested
of architecture, this building is one you should
look into, it's history is so thrilling.

Santa Maria Del Fiore from a little farther away. You can
almost see half of it. It's so HUGE that you cannot get
a picture of the whole church from this close.

The cote Loggia Dei lanzi from the Piazza Della Signoria. You
can just see Perseus on the left hand corner and the many
other wonderful statues there were... and all the people.
There was no place in Firenze where there would not have
been a huge crowd. =D

A close up of  one of the statues in Loggia Dei lanzi.
"Hercules fighting the centaur Nessus" by the sculptor
Giambologna.

View to the beauuutiful hills of Toscana. We drove hours
along roads in this view. Unfortunately I have a really bad
travel sickness so I wasn't really enjoying the trip in a car. XD

The view to the hills at the village where the Italian meal
was served. It was just so breathtakingly beautiful. ♥

City of dreams.
Venice. This is a view to the famous Rialto bridge. The whole
immensely huge bridge is full of little stores.

View to the city itself from the canal that leads to the city. We arrived
there with a tourist boat (the trip was woooonderful!). The big
building in the middle is the doge's palace.

A square where the gondola's takes on passengers. There was
a gondolier singing here and it led people to this place. It
was almost magical, like a jump to the past.

One of the many many many canals in the city.
It was so beautiful I took several hundred pictures
just like this one.

And another canal and another condola.
The whole city of Venice is set on water, on top of
this marshland and has no roads, instead
there are these canals that you can travel
on in the condolas, or by the small walkways that
crisscross the city with little bridges over the
canals. ♥

View from the Rialto bridge, to the "main canal" of the city.
This was the place where in ancient times there goods were brought
into the city.

The huge and beautiful church of San Marco at the San Marco
square in Venice centrum next to the doge's palace.

The famous bridge of sighs. The building here used
to be a prison, where the prisoners were sentenced
to live for the rest of their lives. When they were walked
into the building, people could hear their sighs of
desperation from the bridge, that is how it got
it's name.

I hope you enjoyed this little jump into the past. I have sworn to one day return to Venice and Firenze, I say fell in love with those towns and there is still so many things I had no time to see. ^_^ Dreams...

What the future brings?

My (step)sister has a daughter. She is 15 months old and the light of our whole family's life. She's always smiling, hugging and playing. She never cries. she's a sweetheart. ♥

Her mother is a beautiful blue eyed Finnish blonde with a heartwarming smile. Her father is a handsome very dark skinned, black haired Nigerian. They both adore their daughter. Her hair has started to grow, it's dark brown and curly and soft as silk. Her eyes are almost black, they are so dark, she seems to notice everything. She's starting to speak, when she learns more, she's gonna be  multilingual. Her mother teaches her Finnish and English. Her father teaches her English and Igbo.

She's like an adorable mix of her mother and father. Her nose is her fathers, her mouth is her mothers, the tone of her skin is like milk chocolate. She is learning to walk.

♥

Last week my sister and her daughter were coming to see my stepmom and father for easter. They were coming by a bus to the Helsinki train station. My sister was pushing the stroller where her daughter was sitting. There was a group of 20-something drunk men on the way. They let her pass but stared after her.
One of them yelled: "Is that a niggerbaby with you?"

... She is 15 months old. And now it starts?

I am so scared for her. What she will have to go trough. Only because some people are so fucking stupid! She's the most beautiful, wonderful, gentle little creature you could imagine and she most probably has to listen to words like that for the rest of her life.

Last summer a Finnish actor, Chike Ohanwe who has a Nigerian parent, was attacked while he was at a beach, sunbathing. There are more and more news about attacks of racist nature in Finland. A few months ago a man shot an immigrant in his workplace, a restaurant. After the "true finns"-party won the parliamentary election a year ago, racism has shown a new and dangerous face to the public.

Suddenly it seems it's completely okay to bash people, to call them names, to threaten them, even their lives. Members of parliament have openly said racist comments, they belong to extreme right-wing groups. It's given a permission for those angry racists who have before stayed quiet, to come out and yell, offend and even hurt. The horrible thing is, that these people seem to get no punishments. It's a horrible example for those who seem to have waited for a rolemodel like that.
Then there's Anders Breivik. When is that going to happen again in another country? With people like the "basic finns" saying that it's okay to hate those different from "us"... us usually being white straight men? Some people actually dare to admire Breivik. Sick!

I hope the Northern Europe is not sliding into the hands of racists and extreme right-wing people. On the other hand over a million people (there are 6 million of us in all) voted in the Finnish presidential election this year for a gay president. So there is hope. ♥

But as long as a 15 month old baby can be called such names without anyone doing anything about it, without batting an eye, there is something terribly, horribly wrong with the people in this country.