Towards future

It's been a week and things feel a little bit easier again. It doesn't hurt to breath anymore. Thinking doesn't make me cry, not always anyways. Work has been tough lately, it's so difficult to concentrate, but it's good to do something.

I am getting a new (90x200 cm) bed  on Wednesday (the old one was 160x210 cm and took wayyy too much space now that I don't need a double bed anymore =( ) and a new clothes cabinet. Me and mom went shopping last week. =) I've also been out a lot, exercising a lot... 16 hours last week. It's been so warm and sunny here, today was the first rainy day in a long long time.

I was also at my friends wedding last weekend. ♥ Two friends, Essi & Niko, married each other. ♥ It's tough to be in a wedding just after a break-up, but it was a wonderful day. The wedding couple looked so happy it made me smile too. And it was so good to see old friends, so many of them. Another friend, Anni, was the photographer at the wedding and took some wonderful friends photos of us all... all 30 of us, tiihihihii. ^_^ It really was a good day!

My "wedding look".

At the wedding.
Thank you Ktiraam for the photo. ^_^

There are a lot of things I'm looking forward to this summer. Desucon, Finncon, seeing friends, seeing family, maybe some trips out of town, and of course the highlight of the summer: Gay Pride ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ...

Though I still miss him like crazy and sometimes feel so utterly sad, summer is coming and life continues and there are things worth living for. And the wedding reminded me of the fact that I've always been a hopeless romantic, maybe one day I'll meet the man of my dreams who really belongs with me.
... You should never give your dreams up. ♥

Heartbroken

So... I said goodbye my viking. =(

We broke up as friends. Until the last moment we were hugging. And as we said goodbye we kissed for the last time. I am so heartbroken, but it couldn't be.

I wanted so much more than he could offer. He never lied about it, we just never brought it up, we lived in the moment and just tried not to think about the future.

But in the end I couldn't live like that anymore. We had a long talk about everything. He didn't want commitment, I couldn't be without it. I think I loved him... no, I know I did... do. (Unfortunately love doesn't die when a relationship does.) He never realized it. He never felt that strongly. He liked me. But that can only lead so far.

It feels utterly horrible now, sad and lonely. But it's not the end of the world. I know I will get over this (again), but it's gonna take a lot of time, a lot of crying and a lot of sad moments. I know most of my anxiety has come from the fact that I've been expecting and fearing this moment for a long time. Ever since last summer I've been thinking about it, maybe even knowing that it's gonna happen... and fearing it so so much. So maybe it's courage and strength that I could finally let it go and say goodbye.

I have no idea what the future brings, but at least now I can go there with the knowledge that I am not with a person who doesn't love me.

How... argh, again

Sorry, this is gonna be a pretty negative entry. I have to get this out somewhere.

So, I had to change my meds 1,5 weeks ago. The new meds say that it takes 6 weeks for them to fully kick in, until then they can make you feel more anxious than normally.

So... for 1,5 weeks I've been more awake than in a long time. The meds keep me awake for 16 hours straight. I have to take them at 8 am or I won't be able to fall asleep at night. And I kinda felt good for the first week, better than with virtually no meds. But then the ANXIETY.

It's horrible, it's not normal. I don't feel this everlasting depression anymore, I feel really happy. And that's when it kicks in. One sentence, one word even, can set it off, and I'm crying, I feel like my life is ending. Nothing is ever gonna work. My life is horrible, I'm a failure. I don't want to go anywhere, I don't want to see anyone, but at the same time I feel so completely and utterly alone that it feels just so horrible.

"If you are depressed, you might sometimes get self-destructive or suicidal thoughts. 

These ideas can increase when you start taking antidepressant drug, 

it will take some time before these drugs work, usually two weeks but sometimes longer."

Oh gods... when it feels like this, I don't know how I can manage... anything. I just want to give up. There's nothing for me in this world. I feel completely useless, ugly and horrible.
And I KNOW this is not me! I know it's the meds, because I never feel like this, this is not how I am! But it doesn't help when you're drowning into this feeling of utter helplessness sadness.

Why the fuck can I never get anything happening to me so that things would actually go well?!!
I don't know if me and my viking will last. He's having some rough times too. And he says that he's feeling really numb, he doesn't know what's gonna happen. He might go to his hometown for the entire summer.
I'll be completely alone.
Yeah... this just sucks.

Everything.
4,5 weeks to go. With no guarantee that I'm gonna feel any better after that time.
And this was supposed to be a great summer. So far it's looking to be the worst ever. =(

Thoughts

- Happy mothersday!
- I can't drink because of my new medication.
- But I can finally eat cheese! (gonna buy cheese tomorrow)
- My head it weirdly shaped, it's just too round and everything's in the middle. X3
- I love nature!
- I love sun.
- I'm hungry but too tired to cook. ^^;
- My feet are always cold.
- I wanna read but I can't because I'm afraid I'd fall asleep.
- I love to sit on the floor of my balcony when the sun shines there, it's so hot.
- I have my first therapy meeting tomorrow, eeeek!
- Facebook photos are so full of bugs it makes me craaaaaazy.
... that's all for now.

Taken from Luhtasuo bird-wathing tower... went there for mothersday
with mom, my brother and his stepdaughter. ^__^

Springy

The Olavi Lanu park at Lahti
Kariniemenhill. There are these
statues in the middle of the forest.
It's beauuutiful. ^_^

The hugging couple. <3

Me and the sad one.
(ugh, I'm so fashionless and blah in
this, please ignore me, I wasn't prepared
for photos. XD)

the "right trough the rock" one.

A little swamplake in the middle of the forest,
called Häränsilmä: Bullseye. =D

Aaaand flowers, got to photo some flowers. =P

And... err... a couch, in the middle of the
forest. XD

This is what the weather looked like a few days ago. Now it's grey and raining. But on Sunday it should be sunny again... gonna take more photos then, mothersday trip with mom and my brother. =D

Real life 2012

Suddenly my life seems like... well, normal. I go to work, I plan future events, I see friends and my boyfriend.

Well, there was the whole MESS with my meds, again. So I finally changed the medication, again (From Aurorix). My new medication is called Voxra and apparently it's also used as a weight loss medication... and for quitting smoking. And depression. WEIRD!

But if it works, bleeh. I might even lose weight. And quit smoking... wait, I don't smoke. LOL. XD At least this time it has not been hell to change the meds, so far. Then again, it's only been 2 days. So it can still change. Optimistic, aren't I. XP (I think I'm gonna write more about the meds later, there was a whole hassle about them but now I just don't wanna. XP)

My friends wedding is in a few weeks, so getting clothes, jewellery, shoes, rides and so on, has been a hassle. And expensive, I'm gonna be bankrupt after this month!
I also took a third day of work, a Tuesday, so now I have Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays  of work. We just agreed that I can stay at the workplace for at least until 6 of October. So I have no worries about that anymore. I started a new work thing too, from now on I'm gonna be a lobby watch every Tuesday.
And I was recruited to make a hand program to a theater group at the workplace... and to design a new blog to the workplace. YAYYYYYYYYYYYY! I am so excited! \^_^/

A little while ago I realized that this is the first spring after my childhood when I'm not completely burned out and stressed because of the pressure to find work and finish school assignment. WOAH! I love not studying, I can't believe I did that for 25 years! XDD

Oh and Vappu (1st May) was wooooonderful! We hung out with friends, ate a lot of donuts and went to see a movie. The Avengers. YUMMMMMMMMM! =D~

I've also been reading a LOT.
I just finished a series from KarenMarie Moening and loved it!
"Fever-series" it's called. I recommend it for
everyone who looks GOOD urban fantasy.
(With some really steaming chapters too ;D)
... ah yeah, this is fan art for the books. ^^