Sparkle Sparkle

Another movienight, this time with my sister and her daughter Jenni (11). We went to see the new Twilight movie, Breaking Dawn. I know, I know, I've always bashed the Twilight story, and I still think it really sucks, but I have read all the books and seen the 3 previous movies, so I thought that I might as well see this one too. And the movies are not as bad as the books (which are horrible!).

I didn't expect aaaanything from the movie. I was just worried I would burst out laughing at the wrong parts. =P But it was okay. The actors are mostly good, some of them great. And I have to admit that I think Robert Pattinson has learnt how to act, or at least how to act Edward. I think he was great, O.o!

But he was still a nerve wrecking angsty fairy. I refuse to call those things vampires. X3 And oh how I hated Bella. But seeing her suffer in the movie wasn't that nice. It's a pretty lovestory and there were some really funny parts too. I laughed like crazy at the part where the happy couple are on their honeymoon and Bella is trying to seduce Edward to have sex with her. She spreads herself in tiny lingerie on the bed... and Edward, in agony, covers her with a sheet.
... we do that with my viking almost every time he visits me, haha! XD

The great thing about the movie was, that the characters seemed to have grown a sense of humour, you get to laugh quite a lot. That didn't happen in the books. And all those stupid things that the author did, have somehow been... minimized in the movie. There were blaaah scenes, but they weren't as bad.
I don't know about the last movie though, because that part of the book was just a big "oh-we'll-be-forever-happy-and-having-sex" Bella & Edward thingie with some fighting and unrealistic turns of events. But we'll see, maybe they'll somehow rescue the last movie like they did this one.

Enough of Twilight. My viking is coming home... well, my place, tomorrow! Yayyy! ♥ He's so antisocial that I don't know if he'll come spend new years with me, but as long as I see him before that, it doesn't really matter. ^__^ And lets face it: I have so many problems of my own, that if he has this one fault: that he's antisocial, I really can't blame him for it. As long as he wants to be with me, I'm happy. ^_^
(and Ktiraam has met him, she can prove he really exists. XD)

And I went to see my doctor and psychiatrist today. In the morning. First I slept too late, woke up 10 to 9, when my appointment was at 9, pulled on my clothes and ran to the health center. I was only 5 minutes late. ^^;
We discussed about my medication and the doctor decided to raise the dose by 150 mg/day. Gaaaah! I hope this doesn't make me all weepy and depressed again, because I am so sick and tired of that! I want something happy. I hope I get more happy from the meds. ^_^

And then the doctor diagnosed me, finally: I have an anxiety disorder. Not a surprise, I've thought so for years, but this is the first time I get a proper diagnosis of it. And they are considering getting me into therapy. Finally! I've known about the anxiety disorder for a long time, but I didn't know that it all started at the troubles of my youth, the problems at home, stepdad... that stuff. I learnt to be so wired up for danger, that I am still getting those anxiety attacks because of that. It's amazing how clear it is, it all leads there, to my youth. People learn some basic life lessons then, learn how to cope, how to handle themselves and how to act in certain situations. And I had to be always, always ready to flee, to run, to get away, to cover, that when anything even slightly similar happens now (even a hard word can tricker it), I get an anxiety attack.
The good thing is, therapy should help that.
So... now I wait.

Naked Stephen Fry

Christmas is over, thank goodness. XD I had a fun christmas, but at the same time it's such a stressful time I am very glad it's over and done with for the year again. And new years is almost here. As always my plans for new years are a little shadowy yet, but it's been like this for the past I don't remember how many new years and every time it has turned out a really fun night, so I don't stress about it. =D

I saw some old friends from Tampere & Joensuu yesterday. A couple of friends of mine are getting married and the bride's sister was with them too, we had not seen each other properly to talk for almost a year so there was talk. And it was really fun to see them. At the end, after circling the town and seeing my place with the new order, we ended up to the movies. They were going anyways, and asked me to tag along and how could I refuse, they were going to see Sherlock Holmes (2)! (Don't worry Ktiraam, I will GLADLY come and see the movie with you again ;P)

Noomi ♥

And booooyyyy was the movie awesome! I was so waiting to see it because my favourite actress Noomi Rapace is in it. ♥_♥ (She kicked ass! KYAAAH!) And that wasn't the only awesome/yummy thing about the movie, you can get a clue from the topic, HAHA! XD There are more surprises of course, but I won't spoil the movie from anyone. I'm just gonna recommend it! \^_^/

So now, awaiting next year. I am so glad this one is almost over, haha. I hope the next one will be much better. For everyone. At least it is bringing a lot of things to look forward to:
- Viking coming back home
- Me getting some sort of job thingie
- Getting into therapy
- Bucketfull of awesome new movies
- The wedding of Essi & Niko
- The bachelorette party for Essi! ;D
- Summer!!!

Merry Xmas!

Happy happy joy joy! It's finally xmas, time to relax, watch good movies, eat yummy food and drink delicious drinks. ♥ Merry Xmas for all! ^_^

^____^

Holidays

Happy holidays, what ever you are celebrating! \^_^/ Today is winter solstice, and that's for sure a reason to celebrate, I want more sun! Teehee. ^_^

I had a really big troubled time during last weekend/the beginning of this week, but thank goodness things are now sorted out. You see, they charged a bill from my bank account, that people with a certain amount of income should not have to pay... well, there had been some sort of mix up and they took almost ALL my money from my bank account: 170 €, which for me is a huuuuge amount of money. Well, I was left with 6 €... for the rest of the month.
I have not paid my bills, bought any christmas foods, drinks or presents. I was so depressed I just kept crying hysterically. And visited the different offices to sort things out, made phone calls... and after 5 miserable days with no money, I got the money back on my bank account! YAYYY!

It's christmas time again! XD Hurraaa! Today I'm gonna buy some yummy foods, some rum and glögg, wine and chocolate and lots and lots of candles. And at night we're gonna have a Torchwood night with Ktiraam, Yayyy! ^_^
... and my viking ♥ is going home today, so I'm gonna see him earliest in a week, maybe next year, sniff. ;_; His birthday is tomorrow, yayyyyy! ♥ But I'm gonna try to enjoy the holidays anyways, with friends and family. ^_^

Here's my Winter Solstice celebration dude.
If you want to see him naked, visit my P & P
blog! XD

Re-organizing

At the moment my apartment is a MESS! XD I'm re-organizing again. On monday I'm getting a new couch, I got it from a fleemarket for 10 €. I'll take photos here when the room looks okay again. To make room for the couch I had to move my bed, computer table and two bookshelves, one shelf I'm giving away.

It didn't take long to move all the stuff, though it looked like chaos here while I moved them. And I have to empty all the bookshelves, so now ALL my hundreds of books/manga are piled up against the walls. And I can't put them back to the shelves because the big bookshelf has to be drilled to the wall so it wont fall. ^^; Also, I have too many books to put into that one shelf, so... hahaha, I'm in trouble. =3

But it's starting to look really good here, the apartment looks so much wider, there's space to move. My computer table is now closer to the window too, it's fun to look out while sitting here. ^_^ And I put my bed, which was in the middle of the room before, to the alcove in the corner so it doesn't take that much space. But because the bed is HUGE (160x210 cm), it takes all the room in the alcove so I have to climb from the end of the bed into it, there's no room at the sides.

... I love to re-organize. Hehehe. =P And funny thing: I just noticed that I have not bought one single thing as new to my apartment. I've gotten my furniture from dad (bed), mom (computer table, tv, lamp, small tables), sister (tv-table, dvd-cabinet), brother (refrigerator, chair, bookshelf) and fleemarket (bookshelf, dvd-shelf) =D

And in other news:

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

RIP Christopher Hitchens. (1949-2911)

Of hearts and umbrellas

I've had a busy weekend. ^_^ On Friday I got to meet an old dear friend, visiting from Tampere. It was really good to see, it's been tooo long! ^__^

And on Saturday we had our long planned annual Helsinki winter trip with Ktiraam! =D The morning started with rain and wind. I was soaked when I got to the train station, but still, off we went. It was 10.20 when we arrived to Helsinki and an even worse weather waited for us there. We walked to Kukunor (movie/cartoon/poster store) first, it's about 15 minutes away from the train station. It was really windy and raining freezing cold water... and then the wind broke my umbrella. It wasn't worth much anyways, because the wind and rain seemed to come from all around, but at least it had kept my head and face dry. We had to wait for Kukunor to open for 5 more minutes, freezing in the cold water. It seemed like a much longer wait. ^^;

But once Kukunor opened, the rain was forgotten! I found two aaaawesome posters; "Howl's moving castle"-movie poster and "True Blood"-poster with the white background and red red lips. YAYY! I also had to buy a "Sponge Bob Square-pants" umbrella because it was another 15 minutes walk back. We got out to the wind and rain and one red light later my new umbrella was shattered in dozen pieces. I cursed. I felt so mad, but at the same time I felt a little "meh, what ever!"... this was a day that one... well, two broken umbrella's, freezing rain and even more freezing wind would not ruin. XD

We walked to Fennica Comics (comic/manga store), but found nothing interesting (and cheap enough) to buy and went to Kamppi (huge mall) to eat some pizza. The warm food felt sooo good. And sitting in a warm place felt nice too. Soon we had energy to continue our adventure, this time we went off to Fantasiapelit (comic/manga/book store) and Maarit found lots and lots of good manga (yaoi) to buy. From there we walked... again in the rain, to Akateeminen kirjakauppa (Academic bookstore), where I bought one story-collection book edited by George R R Martin and a biography by Stephen Fry. ♥

And then it was time to go to Tennispalatsi (a movie theater) to see Tintin! YAYY! We bought some snacks and drinks on the way and then just sat at the hallway, waiting for the movie to began, talking and reading our books/manga. =D And the movie was aaawesome! ^___^ After it ended, we were so tired that we went straight to the train station, bought some tea/hot chocolate and baguettes and waited for the train to go home.

At home I was so freaking tired I just wanted to sleep, but I just had to put the new posters on the wall before that. They look absolutely wonderful. ^___^

The next morning was less nice.
...Well, it all started on Tuesday already and has been going on since then. My heart has been racing like crazy, insanely fast. I wake up many times during the nights to it and I get these muscle cramps on my arms and chest area. I was so freaking worried about these symptoms that I visited a doctor on Sunday morning. They took an EKG and the doctor examined me: I was having a panic attack.
;_; and the cramps I was having: my muscles are so tight because of the panic attack that I could hardly move.

I was a little ashamed. And a LOT relieved that it wasn't anything serious. I had thought before that it must be just nerves, but who has a panic attack that lasts 5 days?!
Me, apparently. =(
I got strict rules to avoid stress, not do anything stressful, to exercise a lot, to stretch a lot and to rest a lot. And that's all I've been doing since yesterday morning. I've been sleeping for 12 hours/day too, so I guess the stress is finally resolving... in to sleep.

Last night was the first with no heart ache in almost a week. I stretched for an hour before going to sleep and did my relaxation exercises while falling asleep and slept 10 hour straight. OH it felt SO good! ♥ Now if only I could keep myself this relaxed... I have a meeting with the course (from hell!) leader this Wednesday and I am so freaking scared about it, I have no idea how I'm gonna handle it without falling apart completely.

But I'll try. Boy last week was rough. I hope this one will be better. ♥

BMI

(BMI= body mass index)
Weight is probably something every single woman (and man) on this planet worries about at some point. And if it's not, you are one of those people who others are just so jealous about. I've been struggling with my weight since I was a teenager... well, from the point when I realized you have to weight a certain amount to be attractive, pretty, healthy and accepted.

Except that it's been over 10 years for me since I actually weight that little. >_> The other times, I've been struggling to get back there. Why the hell people dream the impossible and make themselves miserable doing it?

When I was younger, I used to dance. My body stayed thin and my lifestyle healthy because it had to, to be able to dance. Then I stopped... and I started to gain weight. And then all the problems at home hit me and I did the stupidest thing: I started to eat to my worries. When I felt bad and life was absolutely horrible, so difficult that I wondered how I could go on, food still tasted good.

At this point, I was only 15 years old. =S And looking back at my old photos, I am not even fat, but by the horrible standards of the teenager world, I was, so I was teased at school about it and it just all turned for the worse. Until I decided to loose the weight and fought against the will of my own body, loosing over 20 kilograms (44 lbs). When I was 17, I weight 63 kg (136 lbs)... I've never been so happy about my body.

But of course that didn't last. Two years later I weight 70 kg (154lbs) and since then my weight has been like a roller-coaster  going up and down and up again. Never quite reaching the lowest weight though, I've always been over 70 kg since then.

Last spring I started to use a new antidepressant medication and my blood pressure sky rocketed. Instead of changing the meds, the doctor decided, I should eat blood pressure medication (WTF!) and sent me to another doctor. This gentleman did not agree and sent me to see a weight Councillor instead of starting a new medication:
"You need to lose weight before starting a new medication, that's gonna fix the issue."

Have you ever tried to loose weight while fighting depression? Well, now I have. XD And it sucks. I can't say it's easy, when it's difficult at some days to even get out the door. How can you loose weight when you can't even eat normally and then you have to start watching what you eat?
Now at some days I don't eat at all because I'm just too tired to start to fix up something healthy instead of just eating something so I would just eat!

And since I am so worried about my weight and think about it all the time, it's not helping the depression. And since I think about it all the time, I always try to watch what I eat, so all the things that I'm not supposed to eat are in my mind and all I really want is just some fucking chocolate to make me feel better. URGH!

I got little help when I changed my medication a few months ago: not because the doctor came to her senses, but because I told them that I HAD to change it. And the blood pressure went back to normal right away. DUH!

But still this is the biggest problem: Every time I go to a doctor, they say: you are OBESE. Not overweight, obese. My BMI is 31. I look into a mirror and see a slightly plump, curvy woman. I hear a doctor tell me I'm obese and I shatter inside.

But fortunately I've been doing some studies about BMI and found out that in most of the cases, it SUCKS! Yes, it tells you your body mass index, but if you're a body builder or an athlete and in the shape of your life, you're possibly obese too, because muscles are heavy as fuck. =P

The world is too freaking concentrated on making everyone look the same, weight the same and want the same things. And I kind of like myself the way I am. And that seems to be an issue. Just yesterday my boyfriend hugged me in front of the mirror, running his hands down my body and I felt so beautiful. I did not feel obese. I did not feel like I should lose a few bounds. I felt good.

So... I exercise, I walk every day, I go to gym. I find clothes that fit me. My friends like me the way I am. My boyfriend likes me the way I am. I LIKE me the way I am. So why the fuck should I believe some stupid BMI?

By the standards of today, all these beautiful ladies are overweight.
What bullshit!

December top 10

I have a lot of serious subjects in mind to write on the blog, but for now, I just wanna relax and have some fun. My friend Serenity had a blog post about her favourite top 10 December stuffs and I think I need to make a list too, teehehehe. =P

This is gonna be slightly different, because I don't really celebrate the traditional kind of christmas (since I don't believe in god and that stuff), but still, there's yule, winter solstice and all those fun non-religion celebrations, so I celebrate my own kind of... thing. I don't mean just the one day as I talk about christmas here, to me that holiday is the whole last week of December. ^_^

Here's my December top #10
#1: Glögg (with rum)
It's yum! =P Haha. Especially with almonds and raisins. And as a plus side, it keeps you warm. And it's really yum. And it makes me remember the feeling I used to have when I was a kid and it was christmas. ^__^

#2: Knitting
It cold outside, you need mittens, woolen socks, big wool sweaters, blankets... and you can knit them yourself. And it's really fun to watch a good movie and knit. =D

#3: Books
Curling under the blanket into your warm bed with a good book on a cold winter day, ahhh, I love it. I always try to stack as much books as I can into my reading list during winter. I love reading. ^__^

#4: Disney & other (cartoon) movies
It's cold and dark outside, you put on a good movie and relax. And get happy, because some movies are just made of pure awesomeness and stuff! =D

#5: Irish coffee
1 part whiskey, 2-4 parts coffee, 2-3 spoons of brown sugar & lots of fresh/whipped cream. YUMMM! ♥ Warming, refreshing goodness.

#6: Sunny days
The winter sun is so freaking pretty. It's so cold and... rare! It's almost always dark here. And cold. But when it's sunny, you have to go out and just enjoy, it feels like a miracle every time. ^__^

#7: Christmas music
Okay, I don't celebrate christmas and I feel sick and tired of the buying frenzy people go into when it's this time of the year, but I love the soft, calm christmas music. It (too) takes me back to my childhood and just... relaxes. ^_^ (my favourite song is Heinillä härkien kaukalon, which is a religious song, but I don't care (I just ignore the words), I looove it either way, it is a song of christmas! XD)

#8: Family
Christmas/yule is a time to spend with family. And that is how I love to spend it. Of course there's not time to see everyone on christmas/yule, so I try to see everyone during December and to just spend some time together. ^_^

#9: Snow
White christmas/yule is... wäääh, something we might lack this year. Though the snow has come every year before christmas/yule, but I really hope we get snow before that this year too. I miss snow. It makes everything brighter. It's so so dark out now with no snow. =S

#10: Christmas/yule trip to Helsinki
With Ktiraam! It's a tradition already! This is, if I counted right, the 5th time we've done this trip! =D And it's the one day when we don't worry about anything, we just relax and shop and have so much fun! We visit all our favourite stores, look at manga and books and eat at our favourite places. It's a day that starts the holiday season for me... plus I buy all my own presents from that trip so it is like christmas, teehee! ♥ ^_^

Shopping

(the real post of the day, löl)

We Finns got our tax returns today (the money left over when you pay too much taxes...) and of course that means that after weeks of being broke, I spent my day out in the town, buying stuff that I really needed. ^^;

I bought two bra's (black sort of sporty kind and dark red with lace), mom bought me a shirt with a text "Dream on" with rainbow lettering on it and I bought a new mooncup. =D I have a mooncup, but it's the size 2, and apparently my "tunnels" are too short for it because even without the antenna, the cup is sticking out. So, the new one is size 1, and it's peeeerfect! ♥ (though I have to cut the antenna away again, I just find it irritating =P).

I also got a package from the other side of the planet, from my friend Dawn! SQUEAL! She had made me these absolutely beautiful earrings with origami, oooo, they were so awesome! ♥ And I got this fun red t-shirt saying "Santa did you get my text?" XD
And Underworld Evolution DVD! KYAAAAAAH!
Awesome, wonderful presents! Made my morning, definitely!
... the postman had to ring my doorbell because the package was so large and I opened the door, wearing just a top and pink panties, ahahahaha! XD

This weekend I'm just gonna chill and move/exercise a lot, next weekend me and Ktiraam are going to our annual Helsinki Xmas trip! YAYYYY! I cannot wait! YAYYYY! =D =D =D
Oh yeah, I organized a little photoshoot one day, I was so boooored. Here are a few takes. =P

Me and my Luis Royo posters (showing some thigh, eeeek! X3)

My hair actually looks like... well, it looks like
I have hair! WOAH! But then again, the
look on my face, wtf? X3

Female genital mutilation

I had this other blog, which I never used, that I was gonna use for these more serious entries about issues that I find very important to bring up. But I only wrote this one entry on that blog and... well, it died. I still want to write these "issue" entries, but I decided I can just as well write them here, since this blog is about my interests and these issues I feel are important. So here's the first. Rough subject, but important.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), also called Female Circumcision, is a cultural procedure, where female genitals are cut either completely or partly away. This is done to girls 0-15 years old, before puberty. It is considered an important rite of passage from a girl to a woman. There are no medical reasons or health benefits why this procedure is done.

There are three major types of Female Genital Mutilation.

In Clitoridectomy, also called "sunna mutilation", only the clitoris is removed.   

Excision is the removal of the clitoris and scraping off the inner lips (labia minora). The outer lips (labia majora) are often kept uncut but may be cut away too.

In infibulation the outer and/or inner lips are cut and repositioned to create a covering seal for the vaginal opening. In this case clitoris is not always removed because it is sealed inside the skin. All that is left of the female genitalia, is a small hole, the size of the top of the pinkie. This allows urine and menstrual blood to pass. (Pictures) In this case the woman has to be cut open again for intercourse and childbirth and often sealed shut again, sometimes several times.

The prodecure is often done in very unhygienic circumstances where the girl has a high risk of infection and heavy bleeding and no help near if something goes wrong. The procedure is usually done with a blunt razor blade, scissors or a piece of glass and no disinfectants. It is considered highly shameful to show any sign of fear or pain during the prodecure, even when it's done without any local anaesthesia.

After the excruciatingly painful operation is over, the wound is sewn shut and the girls legs are tied together so the stitches wont rip. The stitches are often thorns, catgut or thread. Urinating after the cutting is so painful that the girl often looses her consciousness. It is also common that the stitches might rip during urinating or while sleeping and the girl has to be sewn again, which starts the whole process of healing from the very beginning.

FGM has been a custom for much longer than any religion of today has been around. Still FGM is often associated with Islam, though the Quran has nothing to say about it and it is practised in countries of several different religions. Still some religious leaders recommend or even command women's genitals to be cut.

In several cultures women are considered impure and unfit to marry if they are not cut. The female genitalia is considered unsightly and dirty without being cut. It is believed that if genitals are not cut, they keep growing until they dangle between ones knees. Women are believed to have a crazed, uncontrollable sex-drive that makes them cheat on their husbands and to sleep with everyone, if not cut. Uncut women are also believed to masturbate constantly and turn lesbian.

In reality FGM causes irreversible life-long health risks and creates unnecessary dangers in child birth. Intercourse is not sexually enjoyable for cut woman, but can be extremely painful. Even urinating and cleaning oneself is uncomfortable, slow and painful.

Female Genital Mutilation is still happening all across the world. It is counted that over 6000 women and girls are still being cut daily. Though whole governments, different health programs and educational agenda's are fighting against the tradition and the support for FGM is slowly dropping. There are countries and areas where FGM has been stopped completely.

The education of women is an important step on ending FGM. Helping people to understand how FGM  does not actually help or prevent anything, but only harms women physically and mentally. It is important to make people realize that it does not help make the lives of women any better.

~ ~ ~

More about Female Genital Mutilation:

Books:

Half the sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide

Ayaan Hirsi Ali - Infidel

Movies & Documentaries:

Desert Flower 

The cut (Downloadable for free) 

WWW:

The Female Genital Cutting Education and Networking Project

Religious tolerance.org

Half the Sky Movement

Mind and body

"Because the illness or disease that is depression cannot be seen, 

some people may view it as weakness or laziness. 

There is no point treating a depressed person 

as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 

'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.'

Sadness is more or less like a head cold- 

with patience, it passes. Depression is a real and 

common illness, like heart disease, diabetes, or arthritis."

I have a depression. I've had it since 2008. It's an illness like heart disease, diabetes or arthritis. And still, a lot of people treat people with depression like they're just lazy... or the opposite; completely mad, just about to flip out, crazy.

Neither of these is fun. It would be great if people could treat you normally, but still take it to concern that you are not well. You have restrictions, you have problems, you have issues. You can't do everything others can do. But you're still not handicapped.

"You'll feel better tomorrow"

"Oh come on, cheer up, life is wonderful"

"Don't you feel better already"

"Don't be so sad"

It's kind of a bad thing that a lot of people use the phrase "I'm so depressed" to tell how down they are. Real depression is not something you can just shake off and be well. This tells a lot about depression:
Depression medication is almost compulsory for a depressed person, because when the depression is really bad, you are completely unable to function without medication. And when you start to take the meds, it takes 2-4 weeks before it starts to affect fully. And you have to eat the meds at least 6 months, preferably 2 years. If you stop all of sudden, your depression comes back with a vengeance.

A lot of people get depression one time or another in their lives. And most often after that they understand the other people with depression better than before. But there are still those, who think that depression is just for the weak. If you are depressed, you are just weak and lazy. =(

~

I was in school when I got depression. I had worked/gone to school/done my graduation work for 9 months without even one free weekend. And before that I had gone trough a rough break-up after a years long relationship. And when it all fell down, I came down so bad, that I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, had constant panic attacks and cried hysterically and could not stop shaking!
I returned to school 11 months later. I could come to class a few times a week for an hour or two. And sometimes I still got such bad panic attacks that I had to leave. I fought my way through school (the last 20 student points that students usually get in 3 months time, took me 3 years (27 months), several meetings with teachers and lots and LOTS of negotiations and help) and graduated as a media-technology engineer last spring.

After that I've been... drifting. It's a two sided thing. At one side it was such a massive relief to finally graduate (a 4 year school took me 8 years), but at the same time, now I have no goal in life. I don't know what I want... well, I do:
I WANT TO GET WELL!
But then, work, life, family... I don't know. Or better yet: I don't know HOW to get there. It takes so long, it's so slow.

The first year of my depression I was just waiting to get better, trying to go back to school, trying to do all the things I did before I got sick, and failing and failing. All the things I used to enjoy were suddenly impossible to do. And finally I realized that it doesn't work like that. I'm not gonna bet better in a week, month, year.
And it's f*cking frightening. I don't wanna be like this! I want to enjoy life, I don't want to cry every day. I don't want to struggle with everyday thing, I want to have enough energy to do something smart every day, not just once a week. I don't want to feel exhausted all the time, I want my good memory back...

But this is how it is. We all have problems, this is mine. I've learnt to live with it, though I still cannot accept it every day. I try to struggle forward and every new thing I can do, every good day, gives me hope. ♥
Because the first year of depression; I had no good days. After that I had one good day a week, then two days, then three. Now every other day is good. So I know I am getting there, slowly, but surely. At least I can say that I am damn strong, no matter what some people think, this illness takes a lot of strength to fight.

Drum maker

I was at my brothers house yesterday. He called all of a sudden on Friday and asked me if we could have a little party. It was really sudden, the party was gonna be the next day, so unfortunately he didn't get enough people to join in... so later Friday night he called me if I wanted to come anyways, and he would teach me how to make a shaman drum! =D

And of course I agreed. He took a course a few years back on shaman-drum making and those drums are so freaking amazing that I was sooo happy he wanted to teach me to make them too. YAYY! So, Saturday, after midday he came to get me and we started the drum making!

The drum making was about to start. An important part of the
making is drinks (don't want to get hydrated, lol), I drank
Amaretto liquor. Yum yum. You can also see the frame of wood
where the drum will be set, on the left.

The finished drums that worked as models. The two left ones
are made by my brother and the closest one is done by my brothers
stepdaughter Oona. =) These are all very little drums, like mine was
gonna be. (the apprentice drum)

There are many parts of the drum making that I didn't photo. You have to cut the hide, model it to the wooden frame and wet it so it won't be too hard. Then it is dyed, to the colour of your choosing, with a few knots twist to the hide so it makes surprising patters. When the dye is ready, the hide is worked to the frame with a long, twined reindeer-hide string, that is made beforehand.

Me, working hard to twine the reindeerhide-twine so the drum wont
be too sloppy, it has to be even and tight so it rings and looks good.

The other BIG drums my brother has made. They can also be used
as lamps, as the second one is being used. =)

My drum done and ready, 5 hours later, drying. It has to dry
evenly or the string on the backside will twist the front, so it has
to be watered once in an hour or so... this watering took all night
(yawn).

The finished drum the drumming stick, made out of reindeer horn.

The finished drum, front view.

The finished drum, back view. Here you can see how the reindeer, hide
string is twined so that the hide that makes the rest of the drum, is
very tight and secure.

Another view at the back. Here you can see how the light
reflects beautifully from the see-through hide.

I loved how the drum turned out. And because I had to get up once an hour to water the drum the whole night long, I'm really tired now. Hehee. I think I should get some fresh air so I wont fall asleep. =P More later. ^_^

Below zero

Outside. It is. Freezing. But it's also been sunny. The few hours you can see the sun here in the North. =P

This has been a good day! I've been cleaning the house, cooking, grocery shopping, taking short walks, knitting, reading, doing dishes, cleaning the freezer, taking out garbage, watching documentaries, making phone calls... and not eating anything super sugary. I'm trying to get my diet in order again. It's so hard, but on these good days, it's much easier.
Yesterday was a gym day. Tomorrow is a gym day. One day is reserved for my viking ♥, one for doing nothing, one for taking care of official stuffs. Well, that's a full week. =D

It took me all day yesterday to get over this weekend. I had so much fun on Saturday with Ktiraam, we watched Torchwood, Season 1, tons of episodes, but I don't know which ones, Ktiraam keeps track of them, I just watch. XD

Torchwood. Jack, Gwen & Ianto. ^___^

And on Sunday we celebrated fathers day at my dads. All the "kids" were there: me, my sister (and her kids) and my brother. I loved seeing my sister and brother. ♥ But it was tough too. I can't tell about everything everyone's going through, because there are a lot of secrets, but let's just say that life is being pretty shitty for almost everyone right now. Rough things and tough times ahead. Urgh. It got me pretty down. And as much as I've been trying to tell myself that I cannot change these things and should not worry about them so much... how can you not worry when people you love are going through... stuff. =(

But I don't want to make this another negative post, so something positive to end this. I don't know if I've talked about it here, but I'm an atheist. Not like most Finns, who are not just going to church and not reading the bible. I don't believe in god. Any of them. They are nice stories that give people hope and strength. But to me god is like Santa Claus.
Even when I'm not religious, I'm very interested of other people's points of views, world views and things that are happening around the world. So I read a lot about religions. I want to know about them, I don't shun them, I am just completely sure that there is no god. ^_^

The reason why I brought this up, was to advertise a wonderful man. I am so hooked on his voice, HAHA! XD Richard Dawkins is one of the leading atheism spokespersons, a handsome British gentleman with a voice of a... god. (I made a funny, nyihihhiiii X3) If you are an atheist, or openminded to that sort of thing, undecided or stuff, listen to his lectures, he is woooonderful. And he's not agressive. He's always polite and doesn't raise his voice, he has clear opinions and he can always explain them. He doesn't talk "shit", he knows what he's talking about and has proof. He can turn minds.

... maybe that's enough praise for one night. Now I'm going back to listen to his lectures, easily found on Youtube. Hurraa!

Family is the best

I spent Saturday with my sisters family and my mom. We went to the woods where the kids got the run around and then went to my sisters. I got to go to a sauna all alone with a cider, aaahhhhhh bliss! ♥

We made these incredibly delicious breads with brie-cheese, salad, tomato, mayo, chicken breasts and onion, ooh, they were sooo good! And drank red wine, yummm. During the night we watched Thor, My life in Ruins & Water for elephants. And as much as I did not want to see the last movie, I have to admit that it was rather good. =S

I also drew with Jenni ja talked about movies with Niko. We discussed our favourite movies (Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Transformers, Pirates of the Caribbean...). They are so much fun, those kids. And they have such a good movie taste, haha. It was so much fun to talk about The Lord of the Rings, we got really excited and my sis and mom were sooo out of it! XDDD

Today I'm meeting my councilor at Lyhty employment office, it's kind of an unofficial meeting where we just talk about stuff. She wanted to see that I'm okay after quitting the course. And I am, now that I quit the course. I was getting really depressed again but now that I don't have to dwell on all the bad things and the past, I feel much better. ^___^

And then it's time to hit the gym. I bought a year-around-membership to the local women's-only-gym! :D

Picture of the day. Random, you say? Oh yes. XP
Pharaoh meets Woldy... with a tomato.

Zen

I've been taking long long walks, going to the gym, exercising at home. I bought and exercise ball. Today I did the dishes. Last night I couldn't sleep so I stayed up until 4.30 am writing a journal about this fall.

I feel at peace with myself. I am still depressed at times. And I cry too much, but oh well, no sense worrying about that because it wouldn't help anything. I saw my Viking two days ago, we had a great night, didn't even watch any movies or tv, just sat around, fiddled with the computer and talked about everything.

Tomorrow I'm going to buy a seasonal membership to the gym. I cannot wait! And yeah, I've been drawing every night. ^__^

Click to enlarge. 10 of my favourite actors/
actresses. Drawn by me. =D

Season of change

It was decision time, because I've been feeling like shit for the last few weeks. I've been taught to search for the reasons that make me feel bad and to solve them.

I did so with my viking (and told him about the things that were bothering me) and I think we're okay now. Better than okay. ♥ I visited him last weekend and saw his place, slept on the floor, cuddled him on his two old tv-chairs, showered in his shower, ate his food; all things I've never done before. ^___^ ♥

♥
Guess what inspired me to do this? ;D

And today I quit my course.

It's still unfinished, I have to talk to the leader of the course. And I have to arrange another meeting with my psychiatrist, because I really need it! But I told my "supervisors" at Lyhty (unemployment office branch for the depressed and long-unemployed and so on) that I was not going to go to the course anymore, and got an appointment there in two weeks time. They were so supportive I instantly feel better!

I've been crying all day (again!) but relief is slowly taking over. I didn't know how much stress and horrible feelings the course was making me feel. It ate all my energy. I just started to realize it last week, when I couldn't stop crying. The leader said then that I need intense therapy. But the course was not it, it was too much. I cannot handle acting with the other people there and... it was just making me feel worse.

But now it's over. Onward to new adventures I go. Tomorrow I'm gonna go look around, I want to order a new dancing-mat, the old one doesn't work with this new computer of mine. ^_^ And I am going to the gym, either today or tomorrow. I am definitely going to take a long walk with mom this afternoon, need to vent, harr! ^___^/

Hmm

I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since The Break-Up. Or divorce, as I like to call it now, though we weren't married. We had been living together for 10 years, I think that gives me a permission to call it a divorce. Almost five years of the time when everything started to fall apart, when my life changed so completely that I cannot see myself as the same person anymore...

I saw my psychiatrist today and got to think about the past. And we've been talking about these things at the course too. The Not So Easy To Deal With-things. And I feel like I've come a long way. I don't know if I feel much better, probably not, maybe even a little worse. The medication change made me realize how vulnerable I still am, how easily everything falls apart. But at least now, when things get rough or really really hard, I can get up afterwards and move forward. It no longer stops... everything.

I've realized that I am definitely not ready to go "to the real world", I wouldn't be able to work or handle the stress that comes with it. I cannot take negative feedback at all without falling apart. I know I need help, I know I have a lot of package that I have go though, sort out in my life, before I will be well again, but I KNOW. That's the big difference. I am no longer in the dark, wondering why I am so broken. I know why, I just need to get well, get over them... no, not over them, I don't think I will ever be able to do just that, but to learn how to handle things. How to handle situations that break me.

This has been a good day. Yesterday was a good day too. Two in a row. Gives me hope. ^_^ ♥

And I've been painting! Loads and loads! Three new paintings in a week, I haven't been that productive in months, if not years! And I returned to my first love: realistic painting! Aaah, I so love to paint realistically, but for some reason I haven't dared to do that in a long time. I thought I couldn't anymore. I am proving myself wrong, teehee. ^_^

This is the first one I've made. 9 more to come. Does anyone recognize her?
Hint: She's my favourite actress and probably the most beautiful woman in
the world. ;D (Yes, I've used a reference picture, heavily. The whole point
of this picture was to make her look exactly the same as in the pic... ^_^

Mood swings like woah!

On the weekend we had a really fun Halloween party at my friend Dino's. Here are a few photos taken from there. These are taken with my old camera because I still can't use the new camera's flash and it was too dark to take photos without a flash (finnish autumn, grr)

Skeleton dude. =3

A cool skeleton dude. XD

Our  Halloween feast table.

Teppo's eyes. XP

The bathroom.

The bathroom and Teppo. XD

Glow-in-the-dark skull!

Dino, keeping a contest about movie/series/cartoon villains. ^_^

Yuki ^___^

On Sunday I was really tired. I spent half the night reading the aaawesome "Lily Bard Mysteries" (Charlaine Harris) and woke up tired. At night I visited dad and stepmom and came home, feeling just as tired. And really sad, moody... I felt horrible. I went to sleep early because I had the course early Monday morning. But could not sleep.

I tossed, turned and cried. I sat up, stared into the darkness and finally switched my computer back on. I needed something to do. I had a few things on my mind that I had to talk with my Viking and once I got those out off my chest, I felt a lot better (and once again cried like a river). I went back to bed and fell asleep soon.

I woke up in the morning, feeling like total shit. So down I felt like the earth should swallow me up. I had to fight it so I wouldn't cry constantly. Everything felt hopeless and gloomy. It didn't help the issue that my period starts in a few days, PMS is a bitch! ... and that my medication is still not working full blast and I don't know if it even suits me, these mood swings are really making me doubt it.

I sent a note to the course leader that I was not coming and stayed in bed until midday, reading.

My viking was coming later that day and he told me that he was coming soon, he was just gonna play one (computer)game. It took two hours, he forgot the time. I was preparing sushi for us and the feeling just got worse. I was crying and wanted to go to sleep. Then he finally came. We talked about stuff, I cried some more... and we ate sushi.

We opened a bottle of wine and watched Deadwood (♥) and I started to feel better. I got to snuggle and hug and kiss and hold. That was what I had been missing. I had been hopeless and feeling alone because we had not seen each other in two weeks. I felt abandoned and needed assurance that he still cared for me.

We went to sleep way too late, but when I woke up this morning I was feeling about 500 % better than the last morning. I was giggling and smiling. I have new energy. And kind of a new hope, we had some important things we discussed through and it feels a lot better after I've voiced them out. There are still issues, but maybe slowly things will work out.

Today I'm gonna load a new audiobook to my iPod (American gods), stuff myself with warm clothes and take a long walk in the sunny autumn day! ^___^ In Friday we're going to the movies with the course, gonna see Johnny English. XD

... And one of these days I'm gonna visit my viking at his home. ^__^/

Dreams - memeness

I've kind of decided that I'm not gonna bring any meme's here, but this was so inviting, I had to. ^_^ For once it's both in English and in Finnish. =D

A photo of a place you'd like to go

Kuva paikasta jonne haluaisit mennä

A photo of something you like

Kuva jostain mistä pidät

A photo of something you'd like to have

Kuva jostain minkä haluaisit

A photo of your favorite actor/actress

Kuva lempinäyttelijästäsi

A photo of person you'd like to look like

Kuva keneltä haluaisit näyttää

It would be weird to look like anyone but me :S

A photo of way you'd like to spend most of days

Kuva miten haluaisit viettää useimmat päiväsi

The wide world

There are some stories that you hear, watch or read, and you'll never be able to look at the world exactly the same before. The ones that awaken. I'd like to share some of the things that have done that to me and I'd love to hear more. We are all such a small part of this huuuge, wide world.

Here's my list. I added only books this time because I have such a bad memory I don't remember all my favourite documents by name and most of my favourite movies of this kind are made from my favourite books. I truly recommend all these books. These stories make you think, widen your horizon, teach about different cultures and make you feel such an awe for these people. None of them just gave up and surrendered to their destiny. They all fought for a better life and now we can read their stories. ♥

1) Sold by Zana Muhsen
   A true story of a young British girl who was sold to be a wife of a boy she had never met to a country she had never been in(Yemen).
2) Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali 
   A very eye-opening and thrilling true story of a Somali girl who was raised in a muslim culture and who escaped an arranged marriage and became a fighter for human rights
3) Slave by Mende Nazer
   A true story of a Sudan girl who was taken from her village and sold as a slave. As incredible it seems, this happened just about 10 years ago.
4) The tears of my soul by Kim Hyun Hee
   A true story of a North Korean girl who was trained to be an assassin
5) The white masai by Corinne Hoffmann
   A true story of a young Swiss woman who traveled to Kenya, fell in love and moved to a Masai tribe.
6) 3,096 days by Natascha Kampusch
   A true story of a German girl who was kidnapped as a child. And how she survived her captivity.
7) Only a daughter by Sarita Skagnes 
   A true story of a Indian girl who had the courage to fight the destiny and be more than just a daughter.
8) Wild Swans: Three daughters of China by Jung Chang
   The history of China in the eyes of the women of three very different generations.
9-10) Kiterunner/Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaleid Hosseini 
   I had to add this one to the list though they're not true stories. The books are heart wrenching stories based on the reality of life in Afghanistan.

...And yeah, these stories show, that no matter where we are from, we're not that different. We all want freedom, human rights, love and peace.

I am getting my fourth book shelve tomorrow, the other three are so full I really need it. I have a few books, haha!

Pink!

Today is the international breast cancer awareness day: Pink day!
Wear pink and show your support! I will, as much as I can.

I will celebrate my aunt Terhi, who fought breast cancer and survived! ♥♥♥

And I will remember my other aunt Aila, who died of breast cancer, 10 years and 8 months and one day ago. =( ♥♥♥

Touch yourself ladies and take care of yourself! Many hugs! ♥

Feeling like a drug addict

So, I told about changing my medication earlier? It all started to well, and I was so happy that everything was going so easily.

And then it hit me like a hammer in the head. The withdrawal symptoms. I am gonna write a longer post about all this when I've gotten back to health again (when I can write again, this is so hard), but let's just say: I've been living in hell for the past 5 days. I cannot get out of bed, I can't watch TV without throwing up, I can't even read books cannot draw, cannot play games. I can't eat anything and especially I cannot walk!

The dizziness is horrible, the "electric shocks" inside the mind, the nauseating feeling every time I turn my head or try to focus on something. And the depression, there's no strength left in me, I burst out crying just because I am so tired, so so tired... It's fucking killing me. And the worst part is this: this could all have been avoided! I got wrong instructions from my doctor. But of course you trust your doctor...

If I could even sleep, but one of the worst symptoms are the nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night, heart hammering, frightened for my life, crying, horrified. The nightmares are so life-like it takes a moment to realize it stopped, that I'm awake. And imagine falling asleep again after that.

So here I am, staring ahead, lying in bed, not knowing when I get my life back, my strength back. I hope it will be soon, because this is horrible, absolutely completely horrible. And the longer it lasts, less likely it feels like I will ever be healthy again, the deeper I sink into the suffocating depression where you can do absolutely nothing...

Saturday morning weirdness

It's been a very busy week. I haven't had any free days during the whole week. But today is gonna be great! ♥ We're going out to eat with the girls, to Santa Fe, to celebrate Ktiraam's late birthday! And straight from there I am coming home to spend the night with my viking. ♥ We have some wine and I'm gonna make some sushi. ^___^

Today started a little sticky though. XD I woke up and made the bed, realizing after I had put everything in place, that actually everything was not in place: I had forgotten the pad mattresses from under the sheet. UGH! I had to rip everything off and start from the beginning. XD
Then I went to the shower and decided not to wash my hair because it was clean, I had just washed it yesterday. The next thing I realized; I was lathering my hair with shampoo! UGH2! XD So now my hair is extra clean. ^^;
Then I went to make breakfast, lifting the cheese, butter and other stuff out of the refrigerator to make my breakfast bread. But I couldn't find the turkey-clippings from anywhere, I emptied the whole refrigerator and cursed aloud when I realized I had taken the turkey out from there at the beginning and it was in front of me the whole time! UGH3! X3

I ate and watched some TV and tired as I still was, decided to take a little nap. I drifted off to sleep, dreaming I was still living in my childhood home (I dream of it almost nightly), then I woke up, but soon realized I was still dreaming, because I was still in my old room. I woke up as I realized I was dreaming, but it was all very confusing, I was still in my old room, which, for a moment, seemed completely normal.
And then I woke up for the third time, realizing it was still all a dream, and when I had woken up, it had actually been within the dream. UGH4!
When I was actually awake, I was so bleary and out of it that it took almost half an hour to get up. And now I have to hurry to go to meet the girls. Now I'm just wondering... what next? ;P

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! XD

My new course started. The one for depressed and anxious people. We've had it two times now (friday and monday) and I'm getting excited. There are 7 other "pupils" (aged 26-60) and the teacher/leader. All the people there are suffering from depression and different kind of anxiety disorders and stuff. All have different backgrounds and some are recovering alcoholics/drug addicts.

We do all kind of really weird assignments, like introducing ourselves by selecting toys that we can identify with, drawing our emotions with coloured crayons and acting out scenes from our childhood. I am constantly scared, even horrified, because you have to talk about your deepest secrets in front of 7 other people... but at the same time, the course seems really fun! You get to know new people and do things you never dreamed you would do.

The teacher is a little hippyish, but I don't really mind. The rest of the group works well and so far I get along with everyone there. The issue, once again is, that I am the shyest one. But it doesn't seem to be a problem, not so far. There are other quiet ones too.

Later on the fall we'll get to go to the theater and a concert for free too! So I'm gonna stick with the group even though sometimes it feels just too exhausting. Last time we spent the last hour just sitting in a circle and staring at the floor in a quiet room, everyone was so tired. XD

... I also met my lifestyle change guide today and she was really happy with my results. So far I've lost 6 kg's (13,2 Lbs) in 1,5 months. Which is Cooooooooooool! :D :D :D Tomorrow I'm meeting my psychiatrist and I have a lot of good news for her too. I feel good. ^_^

Now to cook and then a nap, a walk and some good reading. Wheeeee! ^_^
New pics? I got one to show:

My punk faery! ^_^
... this might make a rather nice tattoo.
Oh I want a new tattoooo!

Autumn fun!

(Wow this new look of blogger is confusing! ^^;)

Anyways, let's get to the point! :D My dear friend Ktiraam had her 30th birthday (!!!) this weekend and for the occasion, we had reserved a cruise to Stockholm! :D

A girls trip to a foreign country... okay, a neighbor we've already visited twice, this was our third trip to Stockholm together. ^_^ And we had funnn! And of course I took loads of photos too. Here are a few.

At Lahti railway station, we're about to go, yayyy! The adventure starts here.

We visited Stockmann in Helsinki to eat at a hamburger place "Carolls"
and saw these adorable goldfish (koi) in a  pool

I "heart" you. ;P This was at the harbor on our way to the Viking Line terminal. ^_^

And then we stepped into the ship. It's always such a great feeling to go there, even the smell of the ship makes me happy. And there were tons of people and the atmosphere was really happy. We had our cabin on the 5th floor, far from the ship's motors and the dance place so it was really calm too. ^_^

We went to eat soon after the ship left the harbor. I ate a shrimp sandwich...
like I always do there. :P Irish coffee with it. Yum yum yum!

Ktiraam is fighting with her long hair. XD It was really windy at the deck. ^_^

At night we went to the nightclub and bought drinks. With the drinks we got these light-wand
thingies and of course we had to do weird stuff with them. Here are a few pics of our "art" XDD

And then already morning it was and off to Stockholm we went! We roamed around the old town
and saw this tiny cute window, of course I had to take a photo of it. ^_^

And as our tradition is, we went to drink cups of Chococcino in Chocoladkoppe,
this cute little gay-cafe. We love that place! Our waitress was really nice to us so we
rewarded him with a drawing we drew while drinking our drinks. ^_^

Lucky us! We came to the Royal castle just in time of the changing of the
guards. It was great to see! Lots of handsome soldiers in uniforms with
guns in their hands. ^_^ 

It was raining all morning and there was a lot of water on the streets. So the
birds decided to take a bath. It was so much fun to watch them play in the water. ^_^

And then we went around the town taking photos. We had so much time that we ventured to roads
where we've never been before. And it stopped raining too, yayy!

This handsome guy greeted us in front of this gorgeous building,
which I still don't know what it is...? =P

A little house. A very little house. XD

There was a Mapplethorpe show in a museum on the way to the ship.
If we had had more time, I would
have dragged Ktiraam there. :D

Water on the deck. It was so brilliantly bright and pretty! ^_^

And of course, since I had my iPod with me, we had to check our mail and
facebooks during the night- they had a really good net connection at the
ships cafe. ^_^

Mooooonlight. It was so pretty! ^_^

So pretty that I took tons of photos. :P

When we came back to Finland, we went to eat breakfast to our favourite cafe (Cafe Esplanad) and I
ate this yuuuuuummmmmyyyy roast beef sandwich. ^_^

~ ^_^ ~ ^_^ ~ ^_^ ~