Mind and body

"Because the illness or disease that is depression cannot be seen, 

some people may view it as weakness or laziness. 

There is no point treating a depressed person 

as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 

'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.'

Sadness is more or less like a head cold- 

with patience, it passes. Depression is a real and 

common illness, like heart disease, diabetes, or arthritis."

I have a depression. I've had it since 2008. It's an illness like heart disease, diabetes or arthritis. And still, a lot of people treat people with depression like they're just lazy... or the opposite; completely mad, just about to flip out, crazy.

Neither of these is fun. It would be great if people could treat you normally, but still take it to concern that you are not well. You have restrictions, you have problems, you have issues. You can't do everything others can do. But you're still not handicapped.

"You'll feel better tomorrow"

"Oh come on, cheer up, life is wonderful"

"Don't you feel better already"

"Don't be so sad"

It's kind of a bad thing that a lot of people use the phrase "I'm so depressed" to tell how down they are. Real depression is not something you can just shake off and be well. This tells a lot about depression:
Depression medication is almost compulsory for a depressed person, because when the depression is really bad, you are completely unable to function without medication. And when you start to take the meds, it takes 2-4 weeks before it starts to affect fully. And you have to eat the meds at least 6 months, preferably 2 years. If you stop all of sudden, your depression comes back with a vengeance.

A lot of people get depression one time or another in their lives. And most often after that they understand the other people with depression better than before. But there are still those, who think that depression is just for the weak. If you are depressed, you are just weak and lazy. =(

~

I was in school when I got depression. I had worked/gone to school/done my graduation work for 9 months without even one free weekend. And before that I had gone trough a rough break-up after a years long relationship. And when it all fell down, I came down so bad, that I was a wreck. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, had constant panic attacks and cried hysterically and could not stop shaking!
I returned to school 11 months later. I could come to class a few times a week for an hour or two. And sometimes I still got such bad panic attacks that I had to leave. I fought my way through school (the last 20 student points that students usually get in 3 months time, took me 3 years (27 months), several meetings with teachers and lots and LOTS of negotiations and help) and graduated as a media-technology engineer last spring.

After that I've been... drifting. It's a two sided thing. At one side it was such a massive relief to finally graduate (a 4 year school took me 8 years), but at the same time, now I have no goal in life. I don't know what I want... well, I do:
I WANT TO GET WELL!
But then, work, life, family... I don't know. Or better yet: I don't know HOW to get there. It takes so long, it's so slow.

The first year of my depression I was just waiting to get better, trying to go back to school, trying to do all the things I did before I got sick, and failing and failing. All the things I used to enjoy were suddenly impossible to do. And finally I realized that it doesn't work like that. I'm not gonna bet better in a week, month, year.
And it's f*cking frightening. I don't wanna be like this! I want to enjoy life, I don't want to cry every day. I don't want to struggle with everyday thing, I want to have enough energy to do something smart every day, not just once a week. I don't want to feel exhausted all the time, I want my good memory back...

But this is how it is. We all have problems, this is mine. I've learnt to live with it, though I still cannot accept it every day. I try to struggle forward and every new thing I can do, every good day, gives me hope. ♥
Because the first year of depression; I had no good days. After that I had one good day a week, then two days, then three. Now every other day is good. So I know I am getting there, slowly, but surely. At least I can say that I am damn strong, no matter what some people think, this illness takes a lot of strength to fight.