BMI

(BMI= body mass index)
Weight is probably something every single woman (and man) on this planet worries about at some point. And if it's not, you are one of those people who others are just so jealous about. I've been struggling with my weight since I was a teenager... well, from the point when I realized you have to weight a certain amount to be attractive, pretty, healthy and accepted.

Except that it's been over 10 years for me since I actually weight that little. >_> The other times, I've been struggling to get back there. Why the hell people dream the impossible and make themselves miserable doing it?

When I was younger, I used to dance. My body stayed thin and my lifestyle healthy because it had to, to be able to dance. Then I stopped... and I started to gain weight. And then all the problems at home hit me and I did the stupidest thing: I started to eat to my worries. When I felt bad and life was absolutely horrible, so difficult that I wondered how I could go on, food still tasted good.

At this point, I was only 15 years old. =S And looking back at my old photos, I am not even fat, but by the horrible standards of the teenager world, I was, so I was teased at school about it and it just all turned for the worse. Until I decided to loose the weight and fought against the will of my own body, loosing over 20 kilograms (44 lbs). When I was 17, I weight 63 kg (136 lbs)... I've never been so happy about my body.

But of course that didn't last. Two years later I weight 70 kg (154lbs) and since then my weight has been like a roller-coaster  going up and down and up again. Never quite reaching the lowest weight though, I've always been over 70 kg since then.

Last spring I started to use a new antidepressant medication and my blood pressure sky rocketed. Instead of changing the meds, the doctor decided, I should eat blood pressure medication (WTF!) and sent me to another doctor. This gentleman did not agree and sent me to see a weight Councillor instead of starting a new medication:
"You need to lose weight before starting a new medication, that's gonna fix the issue."

Have you ever tried to loose weight while fighting depression? Well, now I have. XD And it sucks. I can't say it's easy, when it's difficult at some days to even get out the door. How can you loose weight when you can't even eat normally and then you have to start watching what you eat?
Now at some days I don't eat at all because I'm just too tired to start to fix up something healthy instead of just eating something so I would just eat!

And since I am so worried about my weight and think about it all the time, it's not helping the depression. And since I think about it all the time, I always try to watch what I eat, so all the things that I'm not supposed to eat are in my mind and all I really want is just some fucking chocolate to make me feel better. URGH!

I got little help when I changed my medication a few months ago: not because the doctor came to her senses, but because I told them that I HAD to change it. And the blood pressure went back to normal right away. DUH!

But still this is the biggest problem: Every time I go to a doctor, they say: you are OBESE. Not overweight, obese. My BMI is 31. I look into a mirror and see a slightly plump, curvy woman. I hear a doctor tell me I'm obese and I shatter inside.

But fortunately I've been doing some studies about BMI and found out that in most of the cases, it SUCKS! Yes, it tells you your body mass index, but if you're a body builder or an athlete and in the shape of your life, you're possibly obese too, because muscles are heavy as fuck. =P

The world is too freaking concentrated on making everyone look the same, weight the same and want the same things. And I kind of like myself the way I am. And that seems to be an issue. Just yesterday my boyfriend hugged me in front of the mirror, running his hands down my body and I felt so beautiful. I did not feel obese. I did not feel like I should lose a few bounds. I felt good.

So... I exercise, I walk every day, I go to gym. I find clothes that fit me. My friends like me the way I am. My boyfriend likes me the way I am. I LIKE me the way I am. So why the fuck should I believe some stupid BMI?

By the standards of today, all these beautiful ladies are overweight.
What bullshit!