Anniversary of freeeedoooommmm X3

Yesterday was a very important anniversary. I celebrated by making a huge bowl of fruitsalad (from fresh yummmy fruits) and enjoying the night just by relaxing. ^_^
It's been 5 years since the big break-up. 5 very eventful years. Not always so fun, nor easy, but unforgettable years. The first anniversary I celebrated with the boys, drinkin and clubbing, it was a hilarious night, after that I haven't really celebrated, but this year is special:
They say, that if you've been with someone, say 2 years, you'll need one year to get over it after the break-up.

We were together for 10 years, so my "time is done", 5 years. I am now a completely free from all shackles. Well, I had that another relationship, that lasted 2 years, but it never went anywhere, and maybe that was because it was still in the time limit of my five years. (I've been counting how many days we actually spent together with my last ex, and it's somewhere around 60 days, so I've suffered that one too. X3)
With the "10-year-ex" we spent almost all of our time together. And I mean ALL. We were apart for 5 days, during 10 years!

But now, freedom and future awaits. I am having a good time right now in life. Work is going well, I keep losing weight, art classes are fun, therapy is going really well, I've been painting a bit, and just feel relaxed most of the time, there are a lot of fun things to look forward in the future.
I have energy to do stuff and feel like doing them. The diet isn't horrible, it's difficult but bearable. And we have a few new guys at work... very good looking ones, so that part of life seems to be going well too, eyecandy, yum yum. ;P
... actually, a fun present for my anniversary: A guy who I keep seeing a lot in weird places, suddenly came to work yesterday and told that he's gonna be working there for the next 3 months. HURRAA! XD
Eyeeeecandyyyy.

And it's finally winter, it's been snowing!
And it's not even a month until mine and Ktiraam's christmas cruise to Stockholm, YAYYYYYY! =D =D =D

The fire lady. An acrylic painting I did for
myself because I needed a "power
picture". =D
50 x 70 cm (19.7 x 27.6 inches)

=) is not as easy as it should be.

I've decided to try to live as positively as I can, thinking everything good and nothing bad. When I'm anxious about something, I try to think what good will happen, not what bad will happen and so on.

This hasn't exactly worked out. ^^; I am so very tired at work because I've gotten one extra day (an art class) and my own art class started at the same week. Usually today would have been the end of my workweek but now I got to wake up early tomorrow too and trot to work. ^^;
I am pretty sure it's gonna be a fun day and I would be looking forward to it, if I had any more energy.

I was just feeling a little more uplifted, after taking a quick walk outside when I walked past the pizzeria where the guy asked me out on a date. Last week he said that it was his last week there and next week he was gonna return to his real job. Well, he was there again today. Looking as sad and disappointed as he could, when he spotted me from the window.
Now I feel rotten. ;_;

But I don't want to go out with him, because I just know he's not the guy for me. I know this from the times we talked outside. And I had decided on Monday not to answer if he texts me... he did and I didn't answer, feeling relieved that I'm not gonna see him again. Aaaand...
well, things never go the way you plan them, do they. Urgh! >,<

I have some really good and happy things to look forward to though:
- Me and Ktiraam booked our annual christmas shopping trip and we are going to Stockholm! YAYYYY! We went there the other christmas too... was it last christmas, I think so, or the one before that. Anyways, I cannot wait! \^_^/
- I've been sticking to my diet, so if all goes as planned, I will be a thinner me next summer. Spring is always so much easier time to diet than fall. It's so dark and gloomy outside that I just want to eat chocolate and read books.
- All these art classes are making me a much more inspired artist, I am just sketching out my new painting, my first acrylic painting ever. It's gonna be a woman, a warrior woman. =P

Art

I'm becoming an art teacher! Tomorrow, I'm starting an art class at work. It's only two hours per week, but it's a start, if they like me, you never know what become's from it. =D

It's been a crazy week altogether. Have I told about my diet? I've already lost 8 kg's. I've lost 11 centimeters from my waist! It's making me all giddy!

And for the past week or so, this guy from the nearby pizzeria (yes, the same one where Mr Sin used to work ^^;;;;;;;;;) has been flirting with me. He's asked me for a pizza, to drink coffee and now he asked me out. I said maybe. I don't know if I'm ready. I'm still so... unfinished and well, not ready. I'm so bad at saying no and I don't want to start defending myself. I enjoy a little flirt but I don't want a serious relationship, not yet. And not with a guy who "wants a woman who works", I told him that I sort of work, and it's sort of true, but I don't get paid so it's not true. And I don't want to start explaining myself and definitely do not want to see that look on his face when I tell him why I'm not really working. Agh! ^^; ... I'm not gonna go out with him, because it would make no sense, because my first reaction, when I thought about it was, that I would regret it later (and because he often feels like he's pressuring me)... that's not a good first thought. ^^;;;
I would go, if it was just a date, a DATE, not the beginning of a relationship or a lead to sex. And considering what happened the last time... no, just N-O. ^^; Definitely no.
(And he's shorter than me, which should not matter but AGH, it does! ^^;)
I want to wait and meet someone who asks me out and all I can think about is how exciting and happy it makes me feel(, nervous of course, because I'm nervous about everything, but happy too). ^__^

But it makes me happy that I can flirt again. =D And that things in general are going so well. I saw my dad, stepmom, brother, sister, stepsisters, sisters daughter and stepsisters daughter today. We had a really fun day together at my dad's house, spending the fathers day. My dad ordered a commission painting from me, a HUGE painting! =D

And on Friday I spent the night with mom, drinking red wine and watching old photos. It was really nice, we both laughed a lot and she seemed really happy. She's been happy way too rarely these days.

Therapy is going well too. I just wrote this 2,5 page story for the therapist for the next meeting about how my life will be when it will be as good as it can be. It felt so good to write it. And now I got to draw it too, that was the second assignment! XD Thank goodness I have until next weeks Friday for that.

We're going to the movies with Ktiraam one of these days. Yayyy, movies! And there are a lot of other fun stuff the expect too. Next month we're going to Helsinki again, to our annual christmas shopping trip... how many years has this tradition been going on? Maybe 5 or 6 years, maybe even more! =D
Life is looking good right now. I laugh and smile a lot. And can do a lot more than I could a few months ago. I don't think about the bad things so much anymore. I don't feel sad that much anymore. I don't feel lonely anymore. I feel busy and happy and content and excited and nervous and giddy and thrilled and smiley... is that even a word? XD I think a lot of it is thanks to the new diet. I just have so much more energy! ^___^

Now I'm off to bed to read a little (I'm reading the new J.K.Rowling book) and then sleep, it's an early wake up tomorrow and a long day at work with the art class and all. I am so nervous and cannot wait, hihihi. XD ♥

A little something random. ^_^
(markers, coloured pencils, photoshop,
at least 3 nights work)

Pumpkin!

Happy Halloween x3. =D

I've been (trying to) changing my life. In many ways. I started my therapy this summer. And as much as I was waiting for it and hoping it was gonna help, it's been stunning how much it has actually changed me, the way I think and act.

I've changed my diet. No more chocolate filled nights, no more pizzas. Rye bread, vegetables and fruits are my new friends. I've dropped 4 kg /almost 9 pounds during the past 5 weeks. I've started to exercise more. 

Work has been good too. I am actually feeling so good, that I might be able to start some kind of internship next spring, if all goes well. I've started going to this support group for people with anxiety disorder. In a weeks time I am gonna become an art teacher, we're starting an art class at work and I'm the teacher. I am so excited! and I am gonna take part in another art class too, that lasts for 5 weeks. Lots of new things to come.

I've been on a really thoughtful mood lately. I think about my life a lot. And what I want. That's pretty much an open thing. It feels like every time I think about the future, I have to go back to the past... to go forward. And I'm not yet so far that I could go forward, not really. I'm on my way there, finally, no longer stuck in one place, but not there yet. 

I have no idea what I'm gonna be doing. I know what I want, but that seems like a very distant dream. There are so many things I want, but so little things that I can actually do myself. Things just need to happen, or not happen, just have to wait and see... and that's what I'm really bad at, waiting.

 I read these old old journals last night, arranging old papers and started to see the "pattern" of my life. I can see where my anxiety disorder came from. I can see what caused it. It's funny, reading your life backwards and realize things you didn't see then. If only I could tell that young Anna what she should do, but since that's impossible... just got to live forward and try to do my best.

Every once in a while I think that, even though nothing has gone the way I planned or wanted in life, I just might be heading to the direction I was meant to go, all along. That all the things that have happened, didn't happen in vain, but they led me to the path I was supposed to go, but would have never found if something would have gone differently.

If my ex, 5 years ago, would have not come home after spending the night in jail, dropping his engagement ring to the table and ending the 10 year relationship, I might now be in a miserable marriage with a few kids, a pretty home (out in the countryside), a shiny car and a man who doesn't really love me.

If I had not gotten the nervous breakdown 4 years ago after working myself sick, I would never have had to struggle so hard just to stand on my own two feet and learn to appreciate life in a whole new way. I would have never found the real me.

And now, looking back, I know the drop would have come. One day. This was just the way it went. Maybe it was good it happened when it happened. In the end it was the perfect time. 

I'm a child raised in a home with an alcoholic. Children growing up in a home with an alcoholic grow up to be too meek, too shy and too kind to others. And a little screwed up. I got my first panic attack when I was 15, when my stepdad burst into my room breaking the lock of my door, calling me a whore, ready to beat up my mom. How can you just grow up into a normal person from that? When you are so scared that you hide in your closet, but have to be brave because you have to help your mom so he wont beat her to death. 

That leaves scars, no matter how much you want to think that it was all in the past, it's over now and you are an adult. You don't have to think about those things. Maybe you don't. But a human mind doesn't work like that. When it's all finally calm and quiet and you can sleep without waking up in the middle of the night to a scream that shatters all rest, sets your heart to pound and makes your muscles cramp, when it's all over, that's when the mind starts to work it out inside your head. And there are so many little things that can so easily set it all off again. A sound, a smell, a time of year, that brings it all back.

It's all in the past, but it's still part of you. You grew up with it. You learnt it. When home was not the safe place it's supposed to be to a child, but a place where you have to be ready to flee, to fight. Always ready. Never at ease. That's where the anxiety starts, that's where it was born. And when you're old enough, when your brain has processed the information long enough, maybe you can start to change your programming. Your brain has been programmed wrong and it has to be reset. It needs a little nervous breakdown to set things to a zero, where it can begin anew. ... Well, not completely, but that's where it starts.

That was 4 years ago. Then it was the year of the "all-my-memories-are-lost", the year I have no recollection of. I have no idea what I did. Maybe I did nothing. I laid in bed and stared ahead. That was enough. I was breathing. And after the first step the healing started. And it's not over. The process is like a rollercoaster. You go up, life is wonderful. And then you crash back down. And with the last of your strength you fight back up until it's not such a struggle just to keep your feel moving and you can smile again. Even laugh. Laughing is so good!

And then you suddenly realize you have dreams again. And you can laugh, not just with your mouth but with your eyes as well. Until you've been to the very bottom, you don't realize how precious even the tiniest good things can be.

When you can sleep without nightmares.

When you don't have to worry that someone is going to hit you.

When you can smile.

When you can go out and smell the fresh air and not cry.

When you can lift your hand without a struggle.

When your head feels like yours again.

When you know there is a future, not just hope so.

When you don't have to live in constant fear.

When you can admit that even when your beaten, broken and tossed aside, you are still special.

When you realize that you can control your own life.

Life. ♥