Up and down

Last week was awesome! I was feeling so good, every day. I walked for hours, on the weekend I went shopping with Ktiraam, cleaned my wardrobe and visited family and saw my viking. ♥ A week ago I had reduced my medication because of the restless legs (went from 450 mg to 150 mg in 2 weeks) and WOAH, it made me feel better (not just the restless legs, but everything)! What a huuuge surprise!

On monday I started to get a little tired. I asked for an extra day of work at my workplace, so now I have 3 days a week of work (4 hours/day).

... and then it hit me. Again.

When it's the good "season" you so easily forget that you are depressed. You just feel so good and so healthy that you think that now, I am getting better, this is so great! But then it always comes to an end so suddenly. =( Tuesday I woke up with sore muscles, stomach ache, upset stomach and a racing heart. I felt like I was gonna throw up and couldn't even move properly, it just made me feel sicker. I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack any moment, my chest was aching.
I saw my psychiatrist and she tried to calm me down. Yesterday I spent all day doing absolutely nothing! I sat in front of the TV, on the floor and tried to calm down, just concentrating on relaxing my muscles and breathing. I walked outside, slowly, trying to relax and think of nothing, I slept two naps, I was so so tired... today is better, but life's still shaky.

This is so hard. Every time I think I am getting better, this happens. And it stops everything. I can't do anything I want. I wasn't eating very healthily last week (too much sugar and fat) and I know some of that is at fault so I've been eating really healthy this week (dark rye bread, tea, vegetables and soups)... tomorrow we have a party at my brothers and I know they have all kinds of yummy foods and drinks and I also know that I can't enjoy any of them without feeling worse again. ;_;
But I am going to enjoy the company, it's just so difficult to try to explain to people why I act so weirdly sometimes, but it's really hard to act normal when your heart is beating too fast, your hands are shaking and your muscles are trembling and you feel like you can't breath. Sigh. And it makes me feel really sad when my family doesn't understand me.
And... when you've had depression for 4 years, people are tired of hearing about this, they don't want to hear about it. You can see from the look on their faces that they think that you are over exaggerating what you're feeling ("oh no, not that again"). It's so frustrating when all you want, is to just feel normal!

One day at a time. Little steps. Maybe I'll feel a little better tomorrow again.