Sun?

"Some things are worth getting your heart broken for"

I used to think that. I think I still do, when I feel brave and strong enough. It's not often, not yet. I am still so broken, so empty, so... not myself. But I keep on repeating the above sentence to myself and I keep on agreeing with it, it's just really difficult when you're at the point where your heart is already broken.

It's been raining here for a couple of weeks almost. Every single day. It's summer and the sun has shown itself about half an hour/day. I missed the summer so much during the winter because I love the sun and now it's summer, it's waning away and... no sun.
I am thinking about all kind of stupid stuff. I feel so lonely. And just... unhappy, in all sort of ways. And I don't know how to be happy again. I was happy when me and Ktiraam visited Helsinki. It felt so good to get out of my hometown, all the trouble here, forget for a few days about how broke I am, how lonely my home feels, how much I miss... sigh. All the bullshit.

I am SO glad I am getting out of town next weekend too. I couldn't really afford it, but I am willing to spend the last of my money on a trip rather than stay here and slowly go insane. I feel like I should be doing something, all the time. I can't sit at peace without feeling like I have forgotten something, I am so restless I hardly sleep at all. I keep on remodeling my apartment and at times it helps, but it's never enough, never finished.

I want it to be sunny and warm, I want to use my new wonderful sun-chair on my balcony, I want to go to the beach with a good book and swim, eat strawberries and sweat and drink tons of water, smell sunscreen and pollen. Instead I sit alone at home and feel cold. The walls are suffocating me, it's so dark. At least I can still dream, if you lose that, there's really nothing left.

"Everything will be okay in the end.

If it's not okay, it's not the end."

...I started drawing again... but instead of feeling better because of it, I feel worse, because now I feel like I should be getting new ideas all the time and there's still NOTHING in my head, no ideas, nothing comes to paper... I mean, I draw, some, but it's just some boring stuff, with no soul in it. But it doesn't make me feel better, inspired or accomplished, it makes me feel frustrated and unskilled. It feels like I've lost the way to make art from the heart. I think it was him. He didn't appreciate my art, he felt I couldn't even draw well and now it feels like that to me too. 

I feel so empty, drained... fuck, I sound pathetic. I hate people who complain... and then I do it myself. And I really don't have anything to worry about, not really, but I'm 32 and I have nothing to show for my life. I'm alone, without a real job, without a house, without anyone to love. ALL my friends who are my age have either a kid (or several) or at least a working relationship. I don't. Not anymore, well, it was never working, not really, I can see that now. It was an illusion of happiness.

...When I'm alone I don't smile anymore, I don't laugh or sing. I don't even read. I just sit. I swore to myself I wouldn't get broken this time and I did, again. But how in the hell do I fix it?