Paranoid

Saturday niiiight. I spent over 3 hours at the gym today. After that I felt so tired that I slept for an hour... when I woke up I almost threw up. What the hell? I had a really fun time at the gym but I think it was too much. But it felt SO good!

Now I'm drinking wine and trying to relax. My neck is just so sore. I mean, it was even more achy before the gym, but it's beginning to drive me nuts.

But the paranoid part: It's part of the anxiety disorder.
I've talked with other people with the same disorder and it's not just me, everyone has it. These symptoms. All the time. These physical aches and pains that you can't really explain... but actually you can, easily, it's just the disorder.

It's simply that sometimes (often, if not always) you stress out so much that you can't relax your muscles and they really start to ache and cause all sort of problems. Which is why my neck is so bad right now.
And the whole left side of my upper body: arm, shoulder, chest, breast, back, neck, OWWW, everything just hurts so fucking much that I can't really do anything without it hurting. And I know that it's because of the disorder, it's my problem, but it doesn't make it easier... I know I shouldn't do this, but I very often go online and search the symptoms, I do this almost every day. And the worst things you fear for, you can find online. And then you browse and browse and eventually find a page describing the symptoms of Anxiety disorder and everything fits and falls into place... over and over again, and you start to cry.

... Yeah. Sigh.

My life would actually be pretty normal if I didn't have this problem. I waste so much time worrying about stuff that isn't even real, that I don't have energy to do stuff that would make me feel better. Sucks, right? ;_;