Season of change

It was decision time, because I've been feeling like shit for the last few weeks. I've been taught to search for the reasons that make me feel bad and to solve them.

I did so with my viking (and told him about the things that were bothering me) and I think we're okay now. Better than okay. ♥ I visited him last weekend and saw his place, slept on the floor, cuddled him on his two old tv-chairs, showered in his shower, ate his food; all things I've never done before. ^___^ ♥

♥
Guess what inspired me to do this? ;D

And today I quit my course.

It's still unfinished, I have to talk to the leader of the course. And I have to arrange another meeting with my psychiatrist, because I really need it! But I told my "supervisors" at Lyhty (unemployment office branch for the depressed and long-unemployed and so on) that I was not going to go to the course anymore, and got an appointment there in two weeks time. They were so supportive I instantly feel better!

I've been crying all day (again!) but relief is slowly taking over. I didn't know how much stress and horrible feelings the course was making me feel. It ate all my energy. I just started to realize it last week, when I couldn't stop crying. The leader said then that I need intense therapy. But the course was not it, it was too much. I cannot handle acting with the other people there and... it was just making me feel worse.

But now it's over. Onward to new adventures I go. Tomorrow I'm gonna go look around, I want to order a new dancing-mat, the old one doesn't work with this new computer of mine. ^_^ And I am going to the gym, either today or tomorrow. I am definitely going to take a long walk with mom this afternoon, need to vent, harr! ^___^/

Hmm

I can't believe it's been almost 4 years since The Break-Up. Or divorce, as I like to call it now, though we weren't married. We had been living together for 10 years, I think that gives me a permission to call it a divorce. Almost five years of the time when everything started to fall apart, when my life changed so completely that I cannot see myself as the same person anymore...

I saw my psychiatrist today and got to think about the past. And we've been talking about these things at the course too. The Not So Easy To Deal With-things. And I feel like I've come a long way. I don't know if I feel much better, probably not, maybe even a little worse. The medication change made me realize how vulnerable I still am, how easily everything falls apart. But at least now, when things get rough or really really hard, I can get up afterwards and move forward. It no longer stops... everything.

I've realized that I am definitely not ready to go "to the real world", I wouldn't be able to work or handle the stress that comes with it. I cannot take negative feedback at all without falling apart. I know I need help, I know I have a lot of package that I have go though, sort out in my life, before I will be well again, but I KNOW. That's the big difference. I am no longer in the dark, wondering why I am so broken. I know why, I just need to get well, get over them... no, not over them, I don't think I will ever be able to do just that, but to learn how to handle things. How to handle situations that break me.

This has been a good day. Yesterday was a good day too. Two in a row. Gives me hope. ^_^ ♥

And I've been painting! Loads and loads! Three new paintings in a week, I haven't been that productive in months, if not years! And I returned to my first love: realistic painting! Aaah, I so love to paint realistically, but for some reason I haven't dared to do that in a long time. I thought I couldn't anymore. I am proving myself wrong, teehee. ^_^

This is the first one I've made. 9 more to come. Does anyone recognize her?
Hint: She's my favourite actress and probably the most beautiful woman in
the world. ;D (Yes, I've used a reference picture, heavily. The whole point
of this picture was to make her look exactly the same as in the pic... ^_^

Mood swings like woah!

On the weekend we had a really fun Halloween party at my friend Dino's. Here are a few photos taken from there. These are taken with my old camera because I still can't use the new camera's flash and it was too dark to take photos without a flash (finnish autumn, grr)

Skeleton dude. =3

A cool skeleton dude. XD

Our  Halloween feast table.

Teppo's eyes. XP

The bathroom.

The bathroom and Teppo. XD

Glow-in-the-dark skull!

Dino, keeping a contest about movie/series/cartoon villains. ^_^

Yuki ^___^

On Sunday I was really tired. I spent half the night reading the aaawesome "Lily Bard Mysteries" (Charlaine Harris) and woke up tired. At night I visited dad and stepmom and came home, feeling just as tired. And really sad, moody... I felt horrible. I went to sleep early because I had the course early Monday morning. But could not sleep.

I tossed, turned and cried. I sat up, stared into the darkness and finally switched my computer back on. I needed something to do. I had a few things on my mind that I had to talk with my Viking and once I got those out off my chest, I felt a lot better (and once again cried like a river). I went back to bed and fell asleep soon.

I woke up in the morning, feeling like total shit. So down I felt like the earth should swallow me up. I had to fight it so I wouldn't cry constantly. Everything felt hopeless and gloomy. It didn't help the issue that my period starts in a few days, PMS is a bitch! ... and that my medication is still not working full blast and I don't know if it even suits me, these mood swings are really making me doubt it.

I sent a note to the course leader that I was not coming and stayed in bed until midday, reading.

My viking was coming later that day and he told me that he was coming soon, he was just gonna play one (computer)game. It took two hours, he forgot the time. I was preparing sushi for us and the feeling just got worse. I was crying and wanted to go to sleep. Then he finally came. We talked about stuff, I cried some more... and we ate sushi.

We opened a bottle of wine and watched Deadwood (♥) and I started to feel better. I got to snuggle and hug and kiss and hold. That was what I had been missing. I had been hopeless and feeling alone because we had not seen each other in two weeks. I felt abandoned and needed assurance that he still cared for me.

We went to sleep way too late, but when I woke up this morning I was feeling about 500 % better than the last morning. I was giggling and smiling. I have new energy. And kind of a new hope, we had some important things we discussed through and it feels a lot better after I've voiced them out. There are still issues, but maybe slowly things will work out.

Today I'm gonna load a new audiobook to my iPod (American gods), stuff myself with warm clothes and take a long walk in the sunny autumn day! ^___^ In Friday we're going to the movies with the course, gonna see Johnny English. XD

... And one of these days I'm gonna visit my viking at his home. ^__^/

Dreams - memeness

I've kind of decided that I'm not gonna bring any meme's here, but this was so inviting, I had to. ^_^ For once it's both in English and in Finnish. =D

A photo of a place you'd like to go

Kuva paikasta jonne haluaisit mennä

A photo of something you like

Kuva jostain mistä pidät

A photo of something you'd like to have

Kuva jostain minkä haluaisit

A photo of your favorite actor/actress

Kuva lempinäyttelijästäsi

A photo of person you'd like to look like

Kuva keneltä haluaisit näyttää

It would be weird to look like anyone but me :S

A photo of way you'd like to spend most of days

Kuva miten haluaisit viettää useimmat päiväsi

The wide world

There are some stories that you hear, watch or read, and you'll never be able to look at the world exactly the same before. The ones that awaken. I'd like to share some of the things that have done that to me and I'd love to hear more. We are all such a small part of this huuuge, wide world.

Here's my list. I added only books this time because I have such a bad memory I don't remember all my favourite documents by name and most of my favourite movies of this kind are made from my favourite books. I truly recommend all these books. These stories make you think, widen your horizon, teach about different cultures and make you feel such an awe for these people. None of them just gave up and surrendered to their destiny. They all fought for a better life and now we can read their stories. ♥

1) Sold by Zana Muhsen
   A true story of a young British girl who was sold to be a wife of a boy she had never met to a country she had never been in(Yemen).
2) Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali 
   A very eye-opening and thrilling true story of a Somali girl who was raised in a muslim culture and who escaped an arranged marriage and became a fighter for human rights
3) Slave by Mende Nazer
   A true story of a Sudan girl who was taken from her village and sold as a slave. As incredible it seems, this happened just about 10 years ago.
4) The tears of my soul by Kim Hyun Hee
   A true story of a North Korean girl who was trained to be an assassin
5) The white masai by Corinne Hoffmann
   A true story of a young Swiss woman who traveled to Kenya, fell in love and moved to a Masai tribe.
6) 3,096 days by Natascha Kampusch
   A true story of a German girl who was kidnapped as a child. And how she survived her captivity.
7) Only a daughter by Sarita Skagnes 
   A true story of a Indian girl who had the courage to fight the destiny and be more than just a daughter.
8) Wild Swans: Three daughters of China by Jung Chang
   The history of China in the eyes of the women of three very different generations.
9-10) Kiterunner/Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaleid Hosseini 
   I had to add this one to the list though they're not true stories. The books are heart wrenching stories based on the reality of life in Afghanistan.

...And yeah, these stories show, that no matter where we are from, we're not that different. We all want freedom, human rights, love and peace.

I am getting my fourth book shelve tomorrow, the other three are so full I really need it. I have a few books, haha!

Pink!

Today is the international breast cancer awareness day: Pink day!
Wear pink and show your support! I will, as much as I can.

I will celebrate my aunt Terhi, who fought breast cancer and survived! ♥♥♥

And I will remember my other aunt Aila, who died of breast cancer, 10 years and 8 months and one day ago. =( ♥♥♥

Touch yourself ladies and take care of yourself! Many hugs! ♥

Feeling like a drug addict

So, I told about changing my medication earlier? It all started to well, and I was so happy that everything was going so easily.

And then it hit me like a hammer in the head. The withdrawal symptoms. I am gonna write a longer post about all this when I've gotten back to health again (when I can write again, this is so hard), but let's just say: I've been living in hell for the past 5 days. I cannot get out of bed, I can't watch TV without throwing up, I can't even read books cannot draw, cannot play games. I can't eat anything and especially I cannot walk!

The dizziness is horrible, the "electric shocks" inside the mind, the nauseating feeling every time I turn my head or try to focus on something. And the depression, there's no strength left in me, I burst out crying just because I am so tired, so so tired... It's fucking killing me. And the worst part is this: this could all have been avoided! I got wrong instructions from my doctor. But of course you trust your doctor...

If I could even sleep, but one of the worst symptoms are the nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night, heart hammering, frightened for my life, crying, horrified. The nightmares are so life-like it takes a moment to realize it stopped, that I'm awake. And imagine falling asleep again after that.

So here I am, staring ahead, lying in bed, not knowing when I get my life back, my strength back. I hope it will be soon, because this is horrible, absolutely completely horrible. And the longer it lasts, less likely it feels like I will ever be healthy again, the deeper I sink into the suffocating depression where you can do absolutely nothing...