Get on with it

The year 2012 has been wooonderful so far! ♥
My new years was the best ever, I was with friends, family and my Viking. He finally met my dad, brother, stepmom and brothers wife. And bunch of very good friends. ^____^

~  ~  ~

Then something that... makes things complicated.
You know how you can't do something, and at that precise moment everyone asks of you to do exactly that thing?

I'll explain: I am still not well (as I've told here before). The course last fall made me fall into another deep dark hole. And the problems with my medication are taking a toll on my health. And when you are suffering from anxiety disorder, it doesn't just go away.
This is now easy to understand... for me.
But for months I've been getting job offers, art commission requests that I have to refuse. And then people ask: Why are you refusing? You are always complaining how little money you have?


I refuse because I can't handle the responsibility. I get depressed and panic if I know I have to do something. (And I don't mean I get a little down, but that I burst out crying hysterically and am unable to function at all, I can't even get up from the bed.) And I've so far left undone gifts for my friends that they've asked of me, things that I've promised and one art commission that I was supposed to do 4 years ago. =( And it makes me feel so ashamed and bad to admit to people that I can't do them, I just can't.
...Not because I would be ashamed of my condition, but because people don't believe. They don't understand.

"You can easily go to work, have a job and be depressed. You can rest when you're off work"

No, you can't. I've been getting better, I can now keep my apartment clean and exercise weekly, I've even started to wear make-again (sometimes) and put on my earrings... these seem like little things, but when a person has a bad depression, they are things they are unable to do. But there are still bad days when I just lay in bed and cry, unable to even cook or get dressed.
...I am probably going to get some sort of work-practice place this year, but that will only be for two days a week for 4 hours a day. And even that makes me anxious because what if the work day is on a bad day? You can't cry trough your whole workday? You can't run out when things get too much. My dad keeps asking me if I've gotten a job already, even when he knows about the depression.

"You were out of school for 9 months because of depression, but that was 3 years ago! You're okay now, that was a long time ago, you've had time to get well."

Well, no. That's what you wish for, but that's not how it always goes. When I got into treatment 3 years ago, I went there for the 9 months I was off from school, then they let me go. And the depression didn't just magically vanish, it got worse. But I had no place to go to talk about it. It took me over 1,5 years to get back to treatment and get a psychiatrists appointment, because there's a line for it.

And when I started going there again, they categorized my condition as an "untreated" depression. And THIS is why I'm still feeling the way I am. It got chronic. That's why I'm depressed, anxious and not able to go to work.

But how in the hell do you explain this to people who are used to others getting breakdowns and being off from work for a few months and then feeling brand new and shiny and healthy?

=(