But back then I was single and much more confident. This has been a day of reflecting. My Viking wrote to his Facebook page that he's in a con that's only about 100 kilometers from here. And at the same time he's been telling to me for a month that he cannot afford to visit me during the summer. =(
Which kind of proves to me that he doesn't really want to see me as much as I want to see him. He sends his kisses and all, but I haven't seen him in over a month, and the last time I saw him in the middle June, it was for one night and he was gone again.
We've been together for more than a year and I still haven't met any of his friends, his parents or anyone... I haven't even seen his place for gods sake. We never go out, see other people, he doesn't want to meet my family... Fuck, this isn't good. I've known this for a long while, but today it hit me full force. I'ts very very very possible I will not be able to be with him. I cannot live like this, like a dirty little secret, in hiding, not seeing anyone... not even him.
I am fucking lonely!!! I cried all day today, mostly because I was so angry. And if I think about this with my brains, I would not be with him anymore. But I freaking love him. I can't help it. And as much as I've always thought that love conquers all, it might not, not this time... not when our points of view about this relationship are so different. We're not jealous, neither of us, I really love that about him, but I want him more than he obviously wants me. I am ready to make a commitment to him and I don't think he's ready for that. And I don't know if I can be without one... This sucks so fucking badly!
But tonight I try to forget my sorrows and drink. Red wine, my favourite, tomorrow my head will hurt, but I don't care, it's the price of forgetting.
Oh and I've been drawing! Wanna see something new? Here's something:
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| Sajore, my vampire. Drawn with pencil. |
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| Shaya, Sajore's sister, also a vampire, drawn with pencil. |
Have you talked about this with him? Maybe he just doesn't realise what he's doing.. :/
ReplyDeleteI haven't had the chance yet, since we only talk briefly online a few times a week. But I will when I can. I doubt he realized that his actions are hurting me so maybe, hopefully, talking will help. I want to be with him. =(
ReplyDeleteYes, bring it up the next time you have the chance. Sometimes people just don't really realize that they are doing something that doesn't feel nice to the others.. Talk, and only after that you can know if he is worth it.
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