Selfishness?

I went to see a new psychiatrist on Monday and we drew a map of "my life" together with her, discussing all the sides of my life, what makes me happy, what gives me stress and so on...

and I finally realized why I avoid people these days, why I don't like to contact anyone and don't really want to meet my friends much. I go as far as turn around and walk the other way, if I see a friend somewhere outside, when I'm out alone.

I can't be myself with my friends.

It's not anyone else's fault but mine. It's extremely difficult to tell about my problems to other people and show them how vulnerable and in a bad shape I often am. So I keep on smiling and listen to others and avoid talking about myself. If someone asks about me, I just smile and tell them that everything's fine, though it's everything but...

This sounds like my life is shit, which it isn't. I love life, but it isn't easy and I struggle with depression every day. I have constant (and sometimes unreasonable) fears and every little thing I do feels like a struggle. I don't get the same pleasure from things that I used to love. My memory is horrible, I keep forgetting even the most important things. I don't have the energy or the enthusiasm to listen to people talk about their own lives because I can't even control mine. This is why I don't see anyone anymore. I'm lousy company. I don't want to listen, I get angry, I want to talk back, disagree, turn around, walk away...

I've always been a good listener. And I've liked listening to people and give them advice, and talk civil even when we've disagreed. But I can't do that anymore. Nowadays when someone pours their heart at me, all I feel is rage. When someone disagrees, I have to say something back. I never used to do that. I could talk calmly and give up. No more, I rather fight than give up now. And I get so angry when people talk about their problems but when I try to talk about mine, even the little things, they are not ready to listen to my worries and problems.

And not many people understand what this depression and anxiety disorder really means: it doesn't go away in a day or two, it doesn't get better when someone simply says "cheer up". It's a constant pain in my heart that I have to fight. I can be happy, but it's a struggle to be so, when I'm alone, I don't smile. I keep myself busy so I don't get sucked into it. And it doesn't just "go away", it has been here for almost 3 years. I struggle with basic things in life, cleaning my house, going out to buy groceries... Everything else is even harder. I sleep more than 12 hours a day, sometimes 14. I eat medication, my blood pressure is too high, I can't concentrate on basic things.

And I feel quilty for talking about these thing, because it seems that I'm complaining and that's not allowed to me. I become boring when I'm not the cheery, happy, smiling person that everyone usually sees me as. But sometimes I need to tell about the difficulties in my life too, not just be the one who everyone else tells their sorrows to.

Thank goodness for those few people who understand. ♥ ...Or not even understand, they don't have to understand. They listen. They take me as I am and when I have a bad day and tell that to them, they don't say anything, they just are by my side, silently offering comfort, telling me that it's okay.