Frustration

I'm sorry, two posts in one day, this is bad. ^^;

I've just spent all day playing games, watching stupid tv-shows, reading books and eating good food. And after several hours of simple memory games on the computer, I can easily see that my brain just doesn't work the way it used to. I am so slow. The moves are not fast enough, I can't do things like I used to. And I've heard of from several doctors, psychiatrists and nurses that it's normal in depression, your memory doesn't work, you're slow, it's difficult to make decisions.

But sometimes it feels so damn frustrating, because that used to be my strong thing: my memory and the fact that I was so fast. I could do things fast and think things through really quickly. Not anymore. Sometimes my boyfriend seems almost offended that I don't remember stuff we already talked about. And I try to explain. My brain just doesn't work sometimes. But of course it sounds like an excuse and I can see from his face that he thinks that I just didn't listen to what he was saying before.

I do listen! And I want to learn, remember, know and decide. But sometimes it just doesn't work. =( It's horrible when you realize that I just cannot be the way I was before. They all say it all comes back when I get in a better shape, but my breakdown happened almost 3 years ago, and I haven't gotten any better. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, forgetting simple things, being unable to decide things for myself, being unable to do simple stuff, being anxious about everything.

UHH! Maybe this is just a bad day. Maybe I should have done something beside rest. It doesn't seem to do any good. Tomorrow I'm gonna take a long walk and just clear my mind. And if I don't remember... then I don't. That's just the way things are. The way I am.